The Mathematics of Wanton Burrito Meals

I'm Moving

2008-04-08T08:51:00.003-05:00

Well, the so-called weblog is, at any rate. Find it here. It's prettier. But other than that, it's the same ~~retarded~~ awesome crap you're used to.

Obama Panders to Morons, Still Hated by Me

2008-04-03T09:04:00.004-05:00

Since an ambiguously vacant platform may not be the EZ-Glide fast-track to the Presidency he thought it would, turns out Democratic hopeful Barack Obama gave away tickets to a Dave Matthews concert in attempt to buy his way into the collective populous heart. While I fail to see how giving free tickets to listen to poorly written lyrics (FACT) warbled by a mushmouthed moron (TRUTH) would enhance a campaign in any way, it does reassure me that there is an Electoral College in place. The last group I want deciding the future leader of this country is anyone who (1) likes Dave Matthews enough to wait in line for several hours to get a ticket and/or (2) is willing to vote for a candidate because he provides said tickets.

And even ignoring the legality of what basically boils down to buying/bribing votes, take a moment to peruse the "campaign trail" on the right hand side of the article. That's right: Jeremy Piven is holding a rally for Obama today. Because "Entourage" wasn't enough? You didn't contribute enough to the degenerate, quote-spouting, fratboy douchocracy in the three or four seasons of the show? You've changed Droz. You've changed :'(

At any rate, we can now clump Obama into the echelons of the aforementioned degenerate, quote-spouting, fratboy douchocracy. That's right Barack, give Will Ferrel a shirtless high-five as you take your seat next to Dane Cook, since you're about as much of a politician as he is a comedian.*

*Dane Cook is not, never has been and never will be funny. This is a proven scientific fact that is only contradicted by trendily-dressed losers wearing tight-fitting winter hats in the basements of houses with Greek letters above the door.

Another Reason to Avoid Japan

2008-04-01T11:24:00.005-05:00

As if some of the other insane shit the Japanese culture has given us isn't enough, ThinkGeek is offering a game for the Wii called Super Pii Pii Brothers. Now I don't want to give the gaming experience away, but basically, you remember that time you got really drunk and dry-humped that whack-a-mole machine? Yea, well it turns out it wasn't so dry and this here is the bastard offspring of that illicitly brief affair.

With realistic fluid dynamics for the pee and over 100 different bathrooms from bars and palaces to automatic Japanese style toilets you'll be entertained for hours. And wait until your friends see the multi-player mode with dueling pee streams...

This is starting to sound suspiciously like an average Friday night during my senior year in college. Except this way, having a Wii remote attached to my crotch not only saves the awkwardness of getting stage fright in front of the competition, but the remote itself will add a bulging seven inches to the seven ~~inches~~ cm mm that are already there!

lolscience

2008-03-31T13:31:00.002-05:00

Dirty Man Cleansed...with FIRE!

2008-03-24T15:15:00.005-05:00

Some absolutely batshit crazy Chinese woman burned her husband to death for having...dirty feet. Not much info on this, but Breitbart reports that after the couple shared a bottle of liquor, he got into bed without wiping his feet. Angered, the woman torched the sheets.

I don't even know what to say about this one except that the Chinese sure do make delicious food. In fact, I'm going to have some General Tso's in honor of the poor, crispy bastard. Here's to you Dirtyfeet ~~McGee~~ Wang.*

*Note: I cannot verify the accuracy of the man's name.^

^100%

Fast Food Nation Licks My Balls, Sucks

2008-03-21T19:58:00.002-05:00

The other night I came home to the girlfriend wanting to watch "Fast Food Nation" and being the great (and perhaps slightly intoxicated) boyfriend that I am, I went ahead and put it in the DVD player. This as it turns out, was probably the stupidest thing I have ever done. To save you some time, let me just say, don't bother seeing this movie. If you already have, I'm sorry you've lost the hour and a half (maybe? I don't know - I didn't make it 45 min into the damn thing) of your life that turned out to be a complete waste. I've gone on rants before about horrible movies, but let me tell you: this is the worst movie ever made. Worse than "Plan 9 From Outer Space," worse than "Batman and Robin" (I still hope you choke on your on dick for that one Joel Shumacher) and, I daresay, worse than the hated "Son of the Mask."

Looking at the DVD cover, I was first inclined to think it might be decent, what with a cast including Greg Kinnear, Bruce Willis and Kris Kristofferson, I thought for sure that it would at least be tolerable. But no. It's FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!! Want some proof? At least three times in the first half hour, we get this gem of a line: "There's shit in the burgers!" And it's not supposed to be a comedy? This is a line I'd expect from something along the lines of Naked Gun 4 & 1/4. But seriously, any movie where the premise is that fast food corporation is managed and run by secretary banging, illegal Mexican immigrant employing (and also banging) bullies who sell you shit burgers can not possibly be expected to be taken seriously. Except it has. Liberal America strikes again! More on that later. For now, let me just say that I'd rather lick my own balls - hell, I'd rather lick Michael Moore's balls - than watch this piece of shit ever again. The best thing that can be said for this hideous, mutant abortion of a movie is that, in the end, it's actually somewhat clever in that it is, in and of itself, a giant shit burger with extra cheese.

UPDATE: Wait....Wilmer Valderrama got top billing on this fuck job? The in-the-closet, speech impediment immigrant from "That 70's Show" is the top bill? Holy balls what a piece of shit.

Prostitutes and Politics

2008-03-13T12:21:00.004-05:00

Apparently it's a big to-do when a political figure is busted for soliciting sex, despite my previously held beliefs (based largely on movies and television) that it's all part of a day's work for any real politician. In that light, Governor Spitzer resigned earlier this week as a result of pressure from other politicians who weren't dumb enough to be caught in the act.

A few thoughts:

Looking at the pictures, I would have guessed it would have been his wife soliciting sex in order to avoid the awkwardly horrific, fumbling advances of Gargamel.

Though it's since been taken off the web, you can see shots of the Emperor's Club website (and learn all about it!) here if you're interested (you are). I like how they don't show you the girls' faces. Cuz seriously, girls have faces? Surely you jest! I also am very pleased with the descriptions of the girls, like they are bottles of wine or remote vacationing spots for the exceptionally rich, which, in a way, I guess they are since it costs upwards of $5,000 (not a mistake - that's a comma not a decimal!) for an hour with one of these girls. 5,000! For that much, she better be made of diamonds and have a solid gold vagina.

Here is a picture of the girl Spitzer reportedly met. Now I'm not saying he's gay, but he is very clearly gay. How else do you explain being married to this and then paying to have sex with the Amazonian War Princess Manhands McImaman? If they all are like this, it now makes total sense why the website doesn't show faces. Can you imagine the disappointment of picking out a $5,000 whore and having her show up sporting hands like Manute Bol and damn near a unibrow? Especially for Spitzer. I mean, this man threw away a governorship and free (I assume) sex with a fairly attractive (you'd do her, admit it - she looks like a hot news anchor) woman to pay for sex with Christian Slater's transvestite brother. Epic.

Patriots, Fans Still Bitches

2008-02-06T10:59:00.001-05:00

In response to a comment on the Patriots not being able to win without cheating - incidentally, maybe the Browns would've beaten Denver a time or two if cameras were smaller back then, eh Bellicheat? - a friend of mine (who happens to have the poor taste to root for New England) responded with a suggestion that if I can't offer condolences to the Patriots, I should offer them for the fans.

See, this is why I hate Boston/New England fans. Their teams have won two World Series titles and three Super Bowls in the last 6 years. Granted, the Super Bowl titles are suspect due to the cheating scandal, but nonetheless, how fucking greedy can you be? Their only complaint, only one, is that they want a title that hasn't been bought (Sox) or cheated (Patriots). At any rate, congrats to the Giants and one of my personal favorite players, Michael Strahan (Count Gapula). As for the Patriots fans who feel they deserve some sort of condolences, I've gone ahead and made a couple posters to help you feel better about your team, despite the fact that they are cheaters and I hate them. I'd root for a squad of zombie Hitlers coached by the Devil dressed as Vince Lombardi before I ever root for the Patriots. But because I'm so nice (and dangerously handsome with the stature of a greek god), I'm willing to do this for all of you tasteless losers out there in Patriots nation. Hope they help!

Ironkey Keeps Your Data Safe, Gluey

2008-01-24T10:50:00.001-05:00

Are you tired of having your personal files, photos, etc. that you keep on your handy flash drive stolen? Well, thinkgeek is here to the rescue with the Ironkey thumb drive. The security involved is pretty ridiculous. There's a bunch of talk about "encryption" and "electron shielding" and "tunnels" that lead me to uncomfortably recall my last sexual encounter:

Applications built right onto the IronKey help keep your personal data safe. For example, the password manager keeps your passwords safe. How? Your passwords are securely stored in a hidden hardware-encrypted area inside the device (and not in the drive's file system), being first locally encrypted with 256-bit AES, using randomly generated keys encrypted with a SHA-256 hash of your device password. All of this data is then doubly encrypted with 128-bit AES hardware encryption. Hack that.

And if a hacker does indeed try to hack that, he gets only ten (10!) tries to guess your password before the chip self-destructs. And if he tries to physically remove the chips (how? why?), the inside is apparently filled with epoxy, so he can't do that either. A 4GB drive will set you back almost $150 and totally isn't worth it. I built my own impenetrable storage devise out of lead and mercury and I keep it in my unventilated basement. To be safe I keep the ceiling and walls lined with asbestos. There's no password and it doesn't explode if you try to get to my stuff, but the long term effects of stealing my pr0n totally make it not worthwhile. Or masturbating to said pr0n. I did that once and now my penis is (more) anemic than before and suffers from a constant "pins and needles" feeling :o(

Sean Paul's "Music" Bad for Your Health

2008-01-22T09:26:00.000-05:00

If you have epilepsy (and even if you don't) it turns out one way to kick in your seizure fits is to turn on some Sean Paul. Despite the fact that it sounds like something fabricated for a House episode, musicogenic epilepsy is apparently a real disorder. This woman had two surgeries to correct the problem that involved insertion and removal of over 100 electrodes in her brain as well as brain tissue removal. Now it's no secret that there's some crap being produced out there, and Sean Paul's no exception. And now that I think about it, I guess it's not surprising that his songs would cause seizures. They are the musical equivalent of those freaky Japanese cartoons, except you have a better chance of understanding what they are saying than ever figuring out what Sean Paul is singing.

And seriously, who has a surgery so s/he can listen Sean Paul? SEAN PAUL!!!! I could believe brain surgery/removal as a prerequisite to liking Sean Paul. But liking him so much that you would willingly do so is ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as what I'm packing in my pants, if you catch my drift ;) You don't? It's a Bic without a cap and 37 cents. And a small penis. :'(

A Post for the Ladies

2008-01-17T15:30:00.000-05:00

Do you watch Oprah's show? Do you? Then you probably want to stop reading now and go find a different page to satisfy your touchy-feely, needy impulses. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Is she* gone? Jesus what a downer she* is.

At any rate, apparently Oprah had a show dealing with the "Ultimate Betrayal" of a man cheating on his wife with her best friend. I know this because this screen popped up when I opened my hotmail. Seriously. I'd never watch Oprah. Check out the * below. Srsly dood. wtf?

I don't understand why this is the ultimate betrayal. What about when a woman cheats? Or even worse, what about when your dog goes and becomes bffs someone else? See, here's the issue. This is the ultimate betrayal because guys expect women to cheat. It's pretty much a foregone conclusion that if you involve yourself with a woman, she will screw you over at some point. Women, on the other hand, are naive enough to think that the complete jackass they are dating is a stand-up, respectable guy who would never do such a thing. And so they are shocked and feel an unnecessarily large amount of emotion (wtf is that?) when such things happen. Honestly though, if your as ugly as that chick in the article, I don't know how you get to be surprised. It's also a testament to how horrible a woman's judgment is that that guy rated two women.

At any rate, as a concerned, sensitive male, I've decided to put up a list of "red flags" for women to follow. If you're man meets two or more of these criteria, he will cheat on you. Guaranteed.*

1) He "styles" his hair to look like he just woke up. Any guy who's enough of an asshat to do this is also enough of an ass to cheat on you.

2) He buys/has bought clothes/hats that looked worn. This is just stupid and shows a complete lack of intelligence and originality. Anyone dumb enough to pay extra for clothes that already look old is a lock for a cheater.

3) He's in the armed forces. I've never met a "soldier" that I liked. Especially marines. If he's a marine, you don't need a second one. Drop that dick and run.

4) He's not a rapper but dresses/acts/speaks like it. If he's not black and does this, you have a Constitutional Right** to shoot the mother fucker.

5) It's possible to smell him coming from more than 1.5 feet away. He's numbing you to the smell to get you used to him using too much cologne to cover the perfume of another woman.

6) He's in a fraternity. This one holds as a warning to guys to. Anyone to deeply involved in so-called "Greek Life" should be approached warily and at your own risk. Unless he's actually Greek. But then he's lying to you because he likes little boys.

7) He pisses me off. For a nominal fee, I will be more than happy to meet your man. If, after five minutes, I can still stand him, he's probably worth further time. However, if I scream and ram the corkscrew^* of my Swiss Army Knife through his eye, he had it coming. Don't either of you whine to me about it afterwards.

This should get you going. Other warning signs, like you met him at a bar, you're going to have to learn on your own. Your best bet would be to find someone like me. Good luck. When God made me, there was so much real man involved it broke the mold. It's true. Look at how hairy I am.

*Men don't watch Oprah. Not the real ones anyways. Like me. I'm so manly that when I take off my shirt small children mistake me for a bear and run away screaming.

**I can't back this up legally with more than angry, drunken rants written down on bar napkins. If this doesn't hold up in court, I don't know what it means to be American.***

***Turns out I don't know what it means to be American.

^* The knife part of my Swiss Army Knife broke when I was testing my abs to see how strong they were. Abs:1 Knives:0.

Christian BMG

2007-12-20T10:36:00.000-05:00

Do you like Jesus? Do you like music? Well, have the good folks over at Sound and Spirit (a subsidiary of BMG Music Service) got just the thing for you: Jesus Music! And if you act now, these desperate entrepreneurs will send you 12 CDs for the price of 1. And just like Church, there's no commitment required. I'm guessing Christian music isn't all that good if they can sell 12 CDs for... Jesus Christ! They want $20 for a CD??!?! Mary Mother of God! With a little internet savvy, you can just download them for free. What the hell are these fools thinking? Tell you what: I've got a spindle of a 100 CDs that I paid $0 for (I stole it). Save yourself some money and send me $5 and a list of Christian songs you want and I'll do you a favor and send you a CD I make that doesn't suck.

Huh?

Well, yeah I just downloaded them from an unlicensed site. What do you think I'm payin' all that money for a damn song??!? No. No, dammit! It's fine. Give me your money and take this. Quick! Before anyone looks this way! Good. There we go. No it's fine. Trust me. It's definitely WJWD.*

*What Jesus Would Do (Seriously, you couldn't figure that out? COME ON!)

Michael Vick is a Whiney Bitch, Liar

2007-12-19T11:09:00.000-05:00

I know I've already made my hatred of Michael Vick's mediocrity known, but NFL.com has a link to an AP story about Vick being a whiney-ass bitch and pleading with Judge Henry Hudson for leniency in sentencing, so now I'm going to hate him for being a lying, dog killing coward of a sissy girl and not manning up and accepting responsibility for his bullshit actions. Apparently being a superstar (read: trash) player in the NFL doesn't grant you some sort of diplomatic immunity to ass raping. Vick (and several others) submitted letters to the judge on the day of his sentencing begging mercy and pleading ignorance or society or some other such bullshit. If you believe it, then you are as dumb as you look (look in the mirror, I'll wait. See? Damn, you're dumb looking). And where do I get off calling you dumb for believing the words of this particular fallen star? Well let me show you:

Vick's lead attorney, Billy Martin, said in a statement: "Mr. Vick is much more than the caricature some in the media have chosen to portray."

He listed other charitable works by Vick and said the former Virginia Tech star "deserves to be judged on the totality of his actions, not just the latest headlines."

Um, Vick isn't on trial for donating money. He's on trial for breaking the law and murdering dogs. He should only be judged on this. Any donations he's made are irrelevant to the case. Kudos to Judge Hudson for not being a chump and caving.

Vick blamed his marijuana use on his father, Michael Boddie, who talked to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution about his famous son's dogfighting activities in August. Boddie told the newspaper: "I wish people would stop sugarcoating it. This is Mike's thing."

Vick wrote: "I was suffering from a deep state of depression, and after my father attacked me in the media, I was heartbroken. ... That's no excuse for using marijuana, but I didn't know how to cope with all the difficulties I was facing because it was all new to me."

What's a good way to show you accept responsibility for your actions? Blame someone else. Uhhhhh...you. Dad. Blaming you. And does anyone seriously believe that Michael Vick never used Marijuana before this? If so, go back to the mirror. You're dumb as shit.

"Throughout this entire case, I've just tried to be honest," Vick wrote. "Sometimes I didn't know how to be and was scared, but eventually I put everything out on the table and left no stones unturned."

Read: As soon as I got called out for lying and realized I couldn't get away with it, I told the truth a little diluted bit at a time.

"I take full responsibility for my actions and am ashamed that my actions hurt animals and allowed animals to be hurt and killed," Vick wrote. "... Your Honor, I just ask for a second chance."

Vick said he's an animal lover but that he grew up in a culture where dogfighting went unpunished while people were arrested for guns or drugs.

He's an animal lover. But it's tough love. That dog don't wanna drown he oughta fight better and not cost MV a couple thou*. Seriously. How does this logic work? I love my penis. Alot. But if I ever even thought about hanging it for not performing, the little guy would be out the door in a flash. Wait. Big. He's big. Huge. I've used my boner to support collapsing bridges and club rabid bears. And also to make very satisfying love to ~~hundreds~~ thousands of ~~moderately~~ incredibly unattractive women. I definitely don't masturbate with a Lifesaver. Aw. :o(

*Author's note: Neither I or my incredibly large and potent penis have the necessary gangster rap experience to know if this is how one would say "thousand dollars" in the ghetto.

Elmo Still Making Movies, Still Annoying as Shit

2007-11-28T13:35:00.001-05:00

Apparently the Muppet nation hasn't milked the cash teet that is Elmo enough yet and as such, there will be yet another Elmo Christmas movie. Based on the cast (Ben Stiller, Anne Hathaway, Jamie Foxx [*shudder*], Alicia Keys, Tony Sirico, and Ty Pennington amongst others), I'm going to guess that the plot line is something like this (imdb feel free to add this to your site since, as of the time of writing, no synopsis was posted): Elmo has to help Queen Mia (Hathaway) save Christmas for Genovia from a racist mob boss (Sirico) and his henchmen who're hell bent on stopping an up-and-coming R&B sensation (Keys) from becoming a success. But the only way Elmo can stop the evil racists is by recruiting the help of pacifist Martin Luther King, Jr. (Foxx) to peacefully show the mobsters the error of their ways. So Elmo has to convince the bitter, alcoholic, divorced driver of the time train (Stiller) to take him back to 1967 and convince Dr. King to help (hence the title: Elmo's Christmas Countdown*). Hilarious hijinks and awkward royal etiquette abound in this heart warming, fun-filled family adventure that will help even the most racist of hearts to be open-minded this holiday season. Also starring Ty Pennington and Jennifer Hudson in cameo roles as the annoying asshat that serves no purpose other than being an annoying asshat and the fat chick who can barely keep her hands out of Santa's cookie tin long enough to win a singing contest.

*Other possible interpretations of the "Christmas" metaphor:

Another Oscar nod for Foxx. The countdown is Jamie Foxx's alarm watch counting down a la New Year's Eve to his next Oscar nod for being black and portraying prominent black historical figures. A celebrity filled event hosted By Elmo and Carson Daily.

The end of the world. The countdown refers to the days winding down to the end of the world. Ironically, God chooses the celebrated birthday of His Son to end the world in anger that the world allowed this movie to be made.

My suicide. The countdown is the time left until the movie becomes so unwatchable that I pound an eggnog carton of Canadian Club (I'm too poor for Jack or Jim) and eat the "Christmas Gun" causing a bullet to lodge itself in my brain, permanently ending the threat that I might remember watching this piece of shit.

Did I miss any?

Start Your Own Toy Store

2007-11-26T14:26:00.000-05:00

Are you looking to get into the toy store biz? Perhaps you're looking for some way to propagate your stellar run at celibacy? Either way, this guy has just the thing for you. In what can only be described as a scene reminiscent of "The 40 Year Old Virgin," some poor, single bastard is trying "to move on and accomplish a new plan I have for my future" (read: has grown tired of masturbating to Princess Leia in his mother's basement and decided to sell his massive collection of toys in hopes of one day sexing a woman that isn't actually his hand with lipstick and a wig). And lest you think I am jumping to conclusions about this guy's place of residence, check the pictures below for proof that he threw out his mother's best china to keep his toys mint. The whole collection is currently listed at $25,450 (plus $950 S&H) and boasts a whopping zero bids, despite the Japanese-esque auction title: Star Wars Ultimate Huge Giant Collection Lot! I wish this guy all the best, but I don't see how he expects anyone to buy this. It's one thing to slowly accumulate a collection of toys as a result of years and years of creepily obsessing over a certain movie/comic book/whatever. But what he's hoping for is someone to just go ahead and say "You know what? Fuck it. I'm sick of having a social life and occasionally talking to real, live women in person. Where can I find a way to just obliterate any and every socially redeemable trait I have in one fell swoop?" And while the quick, easy way is often the most tempting, I don't advise it. I tried steroids because I saw how easy it was for Barry Bonds, and instead of a home run record, all I have to show for it is a head the size of a pumpkin and a nuts roughly equatable to mini-M&Ms (that don't melt in your mouth). EPIC FAIL!!!1!! :'o(

/film is Great

2007-11-20T11:47:00.000-05:00

I know they lifted it from another site, so you can play follow-the-links until you get to the source if you want. I'm going to just sit here and continue to "use the force" to "wield my lightsaber" and enjoy the most volcanic orgasm I've ever had.

I Hate Boston, Jim Caple

2007-11-20T10:24:00.000-05:00

No idea who Jim Caple is? Well I didn't either until I was browsing around the ESPN Page 2 site and found this abortion of an article. It's not that it's terribly written (it is, but I can deal with that - I expect fourth grade level work from sports writers), it's more that I can't tell if he's being serious or not. You see, this could just be a horrid attempt at being cute and/or funny, despite failing epically at either. Mostly because there's too much truth in the presentation of Boston fans. Mr. Caple doesn't go far enough over the top for this to be funny. As I've pointed out before, Bostonians are complete idiots (I'm wearing a lab coat and have a spreadsheet open behind this, so you know that's a scientific fact). Complaining about the Sox sweeping the series is totally within the realm of whiny, bitch ass Boston fan complainary (It's totally acceptable to add 'ary' to the end of any word. I could just have easily used douchebaggary there and it would have been just as acceptable/applicable).

And what, exactly, is the goal of writing this article, Mr. Caple? Did you actually think through this and decide it would be a good article? I'm guessing you woke up to piss around 3 this morning and, like a half-assed junior high student, remembered you had an article due at 11 and instead of pissing, just sat down and dropped this huge piece of crap in the toilet. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be a writer, but a person with your qualifications and skills is much more suited to employment in the fast food or bus driving industries. And lest you're one of those tremendous tools who thinks that any press is good press (this isn't; you're column is terrible*), I'm adding the following disclaimer:

WARNING: Reading Caple articles may cause your intelligence to drop by several I.Q. points/paragraph as well as induce suicidal tendencies and/or Boston sympathies.

*Based on the 0.6 Caple articles I've actually read.

PETA Makes Me Want to be Animal Hitler

2007-10-23T15:00:00.000-05:00

For a while I supported PETA and their attempts at having attractive women preach their cause in the nude. Well, I think it's time I reversed that decision, based largely on the fact that they are now using a Playmate and Steve-O to encourage people to wear fur.* Don't get me wrong, Holly Madison (incidentally, is that her real name?) is attractive enough, if you like fake parts and air brushing, but am I supposed to be so impressed by a Playmate posed to cover what I want to see that I am willing to jump on the bandwagon when I can really get that and more virtually for free? And not that that is the real issue here. The big problem I have is using that jackass (get it? I'm clever) to try to convince me. Using him makes me hate animals and everything to do with them (even evolution and dinosaurs) enough to want to spearhead some sort of kingdom cleansing (fungi can stay unless Steve-O starts endorsing them, too). Despite all evidence to the contrary though, PETA seems to think his words are worth publishing. According to the website:

Steve-O put it perfectly in his interview with PETA: "Abuse yourself all you want," he says, "just leave animals out of it. Don't wear fur."

Honestly, I'd rather just abuse Steve-O. As an added bonus,** if you're already a mindless half-wit, you can apparently go here and see what other gems this genetic castoff formulates, probably with the aid of a someone with at least twenty years of training retarded primates. Now I'm not saying Steve-O's an idiot, I'm just saying I've seen monkeys fall out of trees after sniffing their own feces covered fingers that show more signs of intelligent thought than he does.

*No see: this DOES cause people to want to wear fur if, for no other reason, than to not do what that douchebag, ass-clown Steve-O says. Seriously. The only worse spokesman they could've dragged up for this campaign is zombie Hitler. But Steve-O is a close second.

**Warning: This is not really a bonus, but likely to cause your brain to cease functioning, resulting in you running around in the nude and making people hate you more than they already do.

Bender's Big Score Leads to My Big Boner

2007-10-09T23:17:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing I've been waiting for (aside from the fat pig I for some reason brought home from the bar to get bored raiding my fridge and leave) it's the straight to DVD Futurama movie. I've been profoundly depressed since the show was canceled and I've spent the time since watching the old episodes, hoping to fall ass-backwards into a heaping pile of cash and wishing for new Futurama. I'm still poor, but as long as this thing runs under $10.15, you can bet your last nut I'll own it. Who knows? Based on the tent I'm sporting right now, I might go as high as $11.50. I'm that excited (read: aroused) for this movie.

Guevara Memorial

2007-10-09T09:42:00.000-05:00

Apparently a bunch of leftist assholes held a memorial for guerrilla "revolutionist" (read: pain in the ass) Che Guevara to mark the 40th anniversary of his death. Memorials were held in Cuba and Bolivia and the Venezuelans erected a statue in his honor for some damn reason. Now I'm no historian, but isn't Castro's rise to power directly linked to this lunatics antics? You can read the article and see that the Cubans that have fled during Castro's reign view Guevara as violent jerk. Me? I view him as the source for those obnoxious shirts that bullshit college kids wear around to make themselves feel cool. Nothing makes me angrier than seeing these tools at a bar. Except maybe when the bartenders don't cut me off and I end up going home with some fat chick in a "Tons of Fun" t-shirt and sporting a hairlip. Damn you, Maker's Mark! And damn me, too!

Sony Makes Thinnest Display Ever

2007-10-04T14:51:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts, but I've been dealing with some medical issues that have made it hard to sit at a computer and type (not rape, thank the Good Lord). At any rate, here's a tasty tidbit to hold you over until I can get back into swing: Sony revealed its 3mm thick (thin?) OLED. It's due to hit markets in Japan Dec. 1, providing the Japanese with an even thinner, higher definition means of watching cartoon girls being raped by tentacle monsters. There's no release date scheduled for the U.S. and the damn thing is listed at $1,740, making me exactly $1,729.87 short of owning one.

Bluetooth Makes You an Asshole

2007-09-22T20:20:00.001-05:00

If you use it anywhere outside of the car, you're an asshole. That's my new criterion for recognizing and labeling assholes. It's not the only one, mind you. But if I see you walking around with one of those things on your ear all full of artificial self-import, gesticulating with the hands you should be using to hold the phone up to the side of your head, you're automatically an asshole. In fact, I don't even care if you're in the car. You're still an asshole if you own one. Or if you thought about buying one or even listened while the sales attendant at your local cell phone distributor rambled on about it. Because why would you listen to someone trying to get you to buy something that automatically indicates to the world that you're an asshole unless you're an asshole? And yea, maybe you could make an argument that I'm coming down a little hard on this, but when you crack walnuts with your back muscles and curl bridge abutments you can pretty much make whatever rules you want. It also helps when you've won a Nobel Prize and Purple Heart for your good looks alone. Which I have done. I'm that sexy.

Woman Kicked Off Plane for Being Too Sexy

2007-09-11T12:08:00.001-05:00

Apparently it's now against the rules to board a plane in a "sexy" outfit. 23 Year Old Kyla Ebbert was confronted by a Southwestern flight attendant based solely on her outfit. Now I don't want to raise a ruckus here, but if being sexy were cause for being banned from places, I'd never be allowed to leave my apartment (which would, incidentally, make all the super models there tremendously happy). This is ridiculous. Was this guy 107 years old? Gay? You might think (justifiably) that this would be the case since any man who would grow a vagina just to be a flight attendant is very clearly gay. But then I got to looking at pictures and there's no way a gay man would throw another gay man in a skirt off a plane. I'm not going to pretend to know what's going on here because I have a penis and therefore don't watch the Today show, but if I know anything about what it looks like when a couple of men put on dresses (I do), this is very clearly a couple of men in dresses. And it's also the last thing i saw while still having eyes and a penis because they took one look at that picture, took half of everything and left me a blind, genital-less husk of man. Thank God for braille keyboards. And Penis, if you're reading this, please come home. The Today show just isn't the same as our old morning rituals. :o(

Paris Hilton Wants Kids, End of Mankind

2007-09-05T12:05:00.001-05:00

How was the summer? Good? Lotta sippin' frozen drinks at pools and beaches in exotic locales while you picked up some of the local women (men)? Was it the best summer ever? I hope so because what you are about to read suggests that in all likelihood it was your last chance to do all of those things. In an interview with Elle magazine, Paris Hilton has stated that she wants to have children.

*Dramatic Pause for Effect*

This is news that I expected to be heralded by some sort of dark angel from the seventh level of hell to the tunes of a billion anguished souls screaming in pain. Some tidbits from the interview:

"I wanna have like a family and a guy," she tells Collins, a lifelong family friend, in the Q&A. "Y'know, it just upsets me because I'm not anything like what people say about me, and this cartoon character that they've made of me is just completely false. It makes me mad that I'm such a good person and I'm treated like that by some people, I just don't get it."

This cartoon character THEY'VE made of you. At least she'll be able to teach her kids about accepting responsibility. Or that other thing she does. What is it? Be a whore? Yea. That one. A cartoon whore.

"I used to care about looks, but I've grown out of that stage. They have to be a good person, someone I know would be a good husband, loyal and funny and smart. And somebody I can trust, with good chemistry. But I don't know, I like a guy who can make me laugh."

As for what Hilton thinks she can bring to the relationship: "I make an amazing lasagna."

Lasagna. That's what she brings? A god damn lasagna? I'll bet she also brings twenty-one different STDs, a hickey ridden corpse of a body that's sole purpose is apparently to be penetrated by as many penii (it's the technical term - you can trust me, I'm a doctor....of love!) as possible while supporting a vacuous head that has no idea what idiocy the mouth it was given will spout and a terrible repertoire of woefully inadequate mothering skills. Seriously, though. Who would marry this? The devil? I think even Zombie-Hitler might pass on this one. I mean, yeah she's got money and all, but are you really telling me your penis is worth whatever portion of that money you'd get. And you'd have to sacrifice your penis. She wants kids (read: to end the existence of civilization). So you're pretty much gonna have to stick it in there at some point. And I don't know about you, but I like my penis. And judging by my bedroom, so does every supermodel that was there last night (clean up after yourselves ladies, I'll be home by six!). Plus, I wouldn't want to be that guy that went ahead and impregnated the mother of the Anti-Christ. This baby's gonna come out with insectile mandibles and a stinger laden with STD venom. I hope to Christ that whichever hospital she goes to for the first ultrasound realizes it's Paris Hilton who's pregnant and just shoots her in the head before she bring about the end of the world.

Site Let's You Bet on Music, Sacking

2007-09-04T09:12:00.000-05:00

Are you ridiculously rich? Is your gambling addiction so obscene you'll bet on damn near anything? Well, have these guys got the site for you! Just in case betting on regular things like football or cards or when I'll lose my title as the reigning Champion of Arm Wrestling (never) no longer gives you that adrenaline rush/pup-tent it used to, you can head on over to the Chicken Dinner (what this has to do with gambling, I have no clue, but they are British, so I guess that explains it) folks and get yourself odds on such ridiculous things as band odds to win awards or which "major" manager of something you've never heard of or care about will be fired next or even which club will be the next to make its fans cry.

Seriously, though. If you're that decadently depraved or rich that you need to read the odds on these sorts of things, why not just give you're money to me as sort of a bet on what I'll use it to buy. Any takers? How bout a cool mil on whether or not I use your money on this and enough beer, weed and Taco Bell to keep me totally baked in my apartment for one fantastically psychedelic month? Check Chicken Dinner. Odds should be on there by this afternoon.

FotC = ROFLMAOLOL!!!

2007-08-31T09:56:00.000-05:00

If you've yet to be hooked on Flight of the Conchords, there are only two possible explanations: 1) you don't own a television or have access to the internet or 2) you don't have a sense of humor. And since everybody has internet access now (even the homeless guy who offers to sodomize me for cigarettes can use the library computers), you must not have a sense of humor. Seriously though, here's a sample (Bret drops acid when he finds out he might have to be in a threesome) of their brilliance in a Donovan-esque style. If you're anything like me (you're not - you're ugly, have tiny muscles and you don't require scientific notation to tally the number of women you've satisfied in a sexual nature) then you'll watch this and then spend the rest of the day drinking and going through youtube looking for more.

Miss Teen USA is SUPER Smart

2007-08-30T09:59:00.000-05:00

I guess this has been floating around the so-called " internets" for a few days, but when you're as busy as I am with all the dating of super models and being a national hero, these things sometimes slip through the cracks. Which actually would have probably been for the best. Now I don't want to jump to any stereotypical conclusions about beauty pageant contestants, but beauty pageant contestants are just about the dumbest people on the planet. I defy you to find a more random, incoherent response to any question ever. And look at Slater. He's just standing there thinking "So....what do I do? Let her finish? Punch her in the face? THIS is what being the stud on 'Saved By the Bell' gets you in the end? Holy Jesus, where's my gun?" So be warned! Only watch the clip below if you want your brain to just explode from stupidness and have yourself turned into some sort of stupid....zombie. Yea I wrote it. But I also just watched the clip, so I guess I'm stupid, too. Stupid like a fox!

Teen Hacks iPhone, Gets Car

2007-08-28T10:06:00.000-05:00

HAX!!!!!111

Some smarmy ass kid decided to spend his summer hacking around an iPhone so that it will work with other networks besides AT&T. Some ridiculous man traded said smarmy teen three 8GB iPhones and his car for the hacked phone:

Hotz posted on his blog that he traded his modified iPhone for "a sweet Nissan 350Z and 3 8GB iPhones."

I'm pretty sure Apple is going to confiscate the phone in about...5 minutes ago. And even if they don't, is it really worth 3 phones and your car? Especially a sweet Nissan 350Z?* I have no idea what constitutes good business skills (I just traded my apartment for a hot dog), but I'm pretty sure this guy got ripped off.

*I've never actually watched any movie who's title involved the words "Fast" or "Furious" so I don't have the first clue as to what a sweet Nissan 350Z is, but I imagine it's nowhere near as sweet as my car, which is basically my bed pushed against a wall with two cardboard wheels taped to the side and me sitting cross-legged going "Vroom, vroom!" Oh, and also it's a convertible. Call me ladies!

Michael Vick

2007-08-23T15:59:00.001-05:00

I know I'm late on this and probably shouldn't be posting on it because it's so diluted I'm not even sure what the whole point is anymore, but I'm not going to listen to you and post anyway. Cuz where would I be if I listened to you? I'd be living in my mom's basement, sim-dating an online avatar and working at Taco Bell because I'd get free meals. Or is that what I do now?

At any rate, as near as I can tell, ol' number seven is going to jail and may or may not be done with football which may or may not be due to his being black and possibly famous. This actually makes me nervous to watch football this year. I'll be the first to tell you that I am completely fed up with hearing about how great of a quarterback Vick is. He's not. He is a very athletic man, but that doesn't automatically transcribe into being a great quarterback. He has a career 75.7 passer rating (crappy) and has completed just 53% of his passes (terrible). He's thrown about 15 touchdowns and 11 interceptions per 16 games, which also fails to impress. And yes, I know. He can run. But that has never really transpired into Atlanta winning games. Since Vick's been the starter for the Falcons (and ignoring the year he broke his leg), he has won just 40% of his starts and had only one season with more than eight wins. Hardly the stat line of a great quarterback.

So, for the last few years, I've been thinking I'd be excited to not have Vick in football. But now I'm guessing it's going to be worse. Every time Atlanta has a game I'm going to have to listen to some dimwitted, genetically deficient numbnuts (Jaworski I'm looking in your direction) talk about how detrimental it is to the Falcons that Vick isn't there. Well, he hasn't exactly been a big help to the Falcons when he has been there. So please, God if you're listening, use some sort of Divine Intervention to prevent any talk of Vick during the football season. It's bad enough you announcers and writers suck him off when he's playing at a mediocre level. Have some semblance of dignity and leave Vick's penis out of your mouths for a season.

More to the point, I guess what he did was bad and all and I think he deserves to be punished. But I don't think this a necessary case for the Federal Government to take. And sure, I think the Feds stick their hands in too many pants and get involved in too many things they shouldn't, but the man was running a dog fighting ring. Dog fighting is disgusting, terrible, blah, blah, blah. Agreed. And trust me, no one hates Michael Vick more than I do. But I don't think this requires the Federal Government to resolve. A better solution to sending him to jail and having never play football again would be to starve him for a week and throw him in the ring with me. At which point I'll kick him in the nuts and while he's curled up holding his crotch, I'll stand over him and say "That's for taking so much credit and money for being a mediocre quarterback." And then I'd help him up, brush him off and then blast him another in the nuts. And then I'd charge him $25 million for my time and efforts. And then the whole world lives happily ever after. And also I get to kick Bono, Toby Keith and Bruce Springsteen in the nuts. Just because they're tools, too.

How to Tell if You're Fat

2007-08-23T12:47:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts recently, but I've been busy. You think all those super models bang themselves? Well they don't. So back off. At any rate, you can watch an NBC video here about how to tell if you're fat. I didn't watch it, nor did I read much of the article, but they talk about WHR or some such shit to figure out if you're overweight. I have a pretty good way of telling if you're overweight, too. Take off your clothes and look in the mirror. If you look like this, well, you're pretty fat. And if you look like this, you're almost as handsome and ripped as me. And one hundred thousand times gayer.

I Hate Babies

2007-08-06T10:21:00.000-05:00

And before you go making assumptions about what sort of heartless monster I am (the hairy sort), take a minute to think about it. What do babies offer? Well, I made a list of pros and cons of babies to see if hating them is justified:

Pros:
1) They propagate human existence by growing up and one day making babies of their own. Since this is the only means of continuing existence (currently - come on science!) I guess this should go in the "Pros" column. Especially because it's the only "good" thing I can think of that babies do.

Cons:
1) They poop and pee on themselves. This one seems pretty self-evident. Anyone that shits down his own leg and expects me to clean it up for him better think again.

2) They are ugly. This is true. Regardless of what any woman will tell you, there is nothing aesthetically pleasing about babies. In addition to #1, they are pudgy, often hairless (or possessing gross hair) pink beings hellbent on ruining my meal or disrupting my flight with their screaming and stinking. Besides, anything that could inspire artwork like this could never be considered anything but monstrous.

3) They propagate human existence by growing up and one day making babies of their own. This one is also a "Con." See? Because the last thing I want is a future populated by the degenerate offspring of the CHUDs walking around today. And the babies of today are definitely the CHUDs (look it up) of tomorrow.

4) They are responsible for all the abortions and debates over their legality. Think about it: if there are no babies, is this really a problem?

5) You can't eat them. The young of every other species on the planet is considered a delicacy, so why can't I eat babies? Especially when they are crying and my waitress is taking too long to bring my food.

6) They automatically disrupt any and all conversations when they are carried into the room. This one is by far the worst of the "Cons." What about a baby warrants all conversations to be put on hold so everyone can fawn over it? It's totally unaware of its surroundings. Women gather round babies and watch them stare vacantly at nothing, having no inkling of who these people are looking at it or why it's there. And if it does something gross like burp or fart or poop its pants, it's being cute. What I want to know from all the women out there is: At what point does burping and farting and being totally incognizant of my surroundings transfer from being cute to repulsive. Cuz I can do all those things AND I'm moderately competent at using the toilet so most nights you won't even need to change my underwear. If the average baby's cute, I should be fucking adorable.

That's the list so far and near as I can tell, the Cons are heavily stacked against babies. But I might be a little biased, so feel free to add your own.

Best Jail Ever

2007-07-24T08:04:00.001-05:00

Here's a video of a bunch of inmates in some Filipino detention center practicing "Thriller." I can't possibly imagine what sort of crime lands you in a jail where you perform "Thriller." Seems to me that would just encourage crime. I mean, think about it: you could keep putting on those naked solo shows in front of your bathroom mirror OR you could rob a bank at gunpoint and get big enough cast to put on your own show. Downside: they stick you with the ugliest Filipino woman ever. Look at her...well maybe don't look at her. I did and now I'm rifling through drawers looking for something to use to burn out my eyes.

Terrorists Are Degenerates

2007-07-12T12:37:00.000-05:00

"Hang on. Just let me get some pants on. Oh, and ignore the sheep sex video."

According to news.com, four terrorists on trial in London failed at their attempt in carnage because addition and fractions proved to be too much of an obstacle for their leader to overcome. Muktah Said Ibrahim miscalculated the proper ratios of ingredients when preparing the bombs in his London flat.

See? All this time we've been wasting fighting terrorists when all we really needed to do was give them a third grade math test. Or send them pictures of me calling them out.

Teens Are Influential, Stupid

2007-07-12T12:25:00.000-05:00

Joan Weiss, a Florida Atlantic University nursing professor conducted a study in which she found that sexual images in television, movies and music influence teens to have sex. The idea that teens have sex is apparently shocking because "'It's contrary to what many adults think. We don't think sex is normal for teens,' Weiss says."

First of all, who the fuck thinks that? If you go anywhere in public, say...a mall for example, it's impossible to not see pregnant teens or teens with babies. Unless there's some other way to do it, I'm pretty sure no one with a registering IQ gets to be surprised that teens have sex. Secondly, images influence sexual activity. Well I didn't need a government funded research project to tell me that. Shit, I prove that every night in the comfort of my own bedroom thanks to a couple handy devices I like to call "The Internet" and "My Hand." Although that may technically be less sex and more masturbation. Much, much more. But what the hell am I supposed to do now that some high and mighty judge told me I couldn't keep non-English speaking sex slaves chained up in my basement? Land of the free my ass.

Paris Hilton Lies, Still a Whore

2007-07-10T10:29:00.000-05:00

"This doorway's a tighter fit than you!"

In case you're actually stupid enough to swallow the heaping portion of lies Hilton delivered during her Larry King interview, Page Six reports that she emerged from an SUV in a cloud of marijuana smoke at club Teddy's. This after telling King she doesn't and never has done drugs and People that 'there is so much more to life than that whole club scene,' but that she wasn't going to give it up entirely." Or at all seeing as how she "later stood on a couch and – with most eyes on her – danced seductively against a wall with an arm extended up in the air, singing the words to every song that played, including her own single, 'Stars Are Blind.'"

So there you have it. Lying, drugged up whore. Granted this is Page Six and People we are talking about and if you combined their reliability you would still get better reporting out of a monkey who pees in his own mouth. In fact, I don't even consider this reporting. Just stating facts we all knew already. I'm actually surprised (and a little disappointed) that she didn't emerge from the SUV in a rain storm of penises having sex with some guy(s) while a midget taped it. In fact, you know what? She did. I have it on reliable source (me) that that is exactly what happened. You heard it here first.

Gold Medal Masturbator

2007-06-29T09:06:00.000-05:00

Some crazy son of a bitch is so committed to masturbating that he continued to do so after being stabbed twice. Kylie Louise Wilson stabbed hand wizard Daniel Peter Blair after he apparently refused to stop masturbating in her house and in front of her kids. I don't see what the big deal here is, but I'm also banned from riding the bus and most movie theaters - especially those showing the Harry Potter movies (Hermoinie countdown is ON!) or anything by PIXAR (you know that mom from The Incredibles is hot) for the same reason, so I might not be the best judge here. What I do know is that she should have just shown him a picture of Paris Hilton leaving jail looking like a prepubescent boy. Even if he wanted to continue erupting Old Faithful, it would have been impossible since his wang would have fallen off. I heard some scientists were trying to establish exactly why pictures of her cause penile separation but they gave up after spending too much time reattaching their own units. Science = FAIL!

Catfish Are Stupid

2007-06-29T08:53:00.000-05:00

This is just how I got Mario.

A man and his wife saved a catfish the other day that had attempted to eat a basketball. They found the fish bobbing in a lake and apparently spent time trying to jimmy the ball loose before "improvising a solution" and cutting the ball with a knife. First of all, how god damn big was this catfish if it could fit a basketball in its mouth. This wasn't a catfish, it was some sort of Super Mario Brothers bad guy. And while I'm impressed with the level of their stupidity at taking any amount of time to just stab the damn ball and deflate it, I am also impressed with their bravery. If I saw something like this, there's no damn way I'd approach it. I'm pretty sure I would get my ass to shore and eat flowers until I could spit fire. Then I'd go after that Mario killing bastard.

Paris Out of Jail

2007-06-26T08:32:00.001-05:00

"Might I try a little of your penis?"

Not that this qualifies as news, really. I just wanted to post this picture of Paris leaving jail with no makeup. And not that she ever looks all that good, but I can't believe that someone, let alone several someones, had sex with this. She's like an older version of that kid from Sidekicks. Only without Chuck Norris and instead of an inhaler, whenever she gets an asthma attack she takes a long pull on the nearest dick. Which I hope isn't mine because I'd much rather just stick it in a blender. It just seems safer. Especially if your erections are like mine and can cut diamonds.

USB Missle Launcher

2007-06-12T16:41:00.000-05:00

Drinkstuff.com has for purchase an actual, factual working missile launcher that plugs into your computer and fires miniature missiles (and if you watch the movie they look like just about the easiest damn missiles in the world to dodge). Unfortunately the missiles are made from foam, so you won't be able to use them to kill annoying coworkers. I suggest doing like I do and just punching them in the head and sleeping with their girlfriends.*

*This is actually secret code for helping homeless orphans and saving puppies from the horrible, dog-eating British. That's right ladies, I'm sensitive and handsome. And I also possess uncanny abilities in the sack. Rowr!

I Hate the N.B.A.

2007-06-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

I'll admit that I've never actually sat through a whole basketball game, but I sure tried last night. And I've tried several times over the course of the playoffs, but I just can't seem to make it. It's such a terrible game commentated by such awful people that I can't bear more than a couple quarters. So based on last night's game, I've decided to post a list of everything that's poop about "professional" basketball:

1.) Glorification of sloppy play. Seriously, it's not good defense if teams are missing 8 foot jump shots, it's poor offense. Same with bad passing and not rebounding. The last person I can remember seeing actually box someone out was Charles Barkley or Dennis Rodman. Yet last night, the commentators (oh, I'll get to you bastards) said a few times "Now that is solid rebounding!" or "That's how you box out!" when in fact, the only people around where from the rebounder's own team. I move the NBA change "Rebound" to "Balls Caught that Bounced My Way (BCBMW)."

2.) The Announcers. Jesus-nailed-to-the-cross-Christ! How in God's name do you get a job as a commentator when you can't pronounce R's? The main reason I had to turn the game off was because I couldn't stand to hear about "how hawd Tony Paw-kaw plays" anymore. New English accents don't belong in commentating. The belong in northern Maine where the only people that have to hear them live in northern Maine. I actually looked forward to the sideline commentators because A) they could speak and B) they said more worthwhile things than the actual commentating. And when does that ever happen? Kudos to Stewart Scott and Michelle Tafoya (I think?) for saving my eardrums from the nails my hands wanted to put there.

3.) Tony Parker, Tim Duncan and that swarthy South American guy. This speaks for itself. Especially Tony Parker. I don't know where he's from, but I want it blown up. Any person who struggles that much just to speak through an interview and calls his shots "rain drops" needs to not be allowed to speak. And I'm going to add Eva Longoria to this list as well since she's engaged to him. What the hell were you thinking, Eva?

4.) What the fuck was up with those greatest moments in basketball choir scenes? Anyone? Can anyone explain to me what that was? I want whoever was responsible for that nailed to the cross. What an awful, awful denigration of some of the best moments and players in the history of the game.

5.) Tony Parker. The only Parker I want to hear anything about from now on is the Spider Man one.

6.) Home court advantage. There is none in basketball so they create it through dubious foul calls or no-calls that either slow or change the momentum to the home team's favor. This is usually done in the first or second quarter, but in a couple games it happened in the third or even late in the fourth quarter. There is no consistency at all in foul calling. None. It became very clear to me where the refs for Super Bowl XL received their training.

7.) Tony Parker. God I hate you Tony Parker.

Basically, professional basketball sucks. It's a boring display of lazy athletes slopping the game around the court. The only real proof I need to offer is the fact that the U.S. gets smoked in world competition basketball. These guys don't care to play. I don't remember ever seeing Jordan, Bird and Johnson lagging ass in season, playoff or Olympic games. But I guess this is what happens when you start bringing in kids right out of high school. The game devolves to street ball.

Dear NBA: Please take the collective San Antonio penis out of your mouth and stop sucking them off. Your time would be better spent improving the quality of your product instead of forcing the oral pornography you call "commentating" and the crap effort you call "professional" on your viewing audience.

And now I'm 0-My Life (26 years) on my making it through a professional basketball game.

Paris Hilton Released from Jail

2007-06-07T13:39:00.000-05:00

Apparently, Paris Hilton has been released from prison after serving just 5 days of her already reduced 23 day sentence.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Paris Hilton's medical condition was purely psychological and that she was in peril of having a nervous breakdown, and that's why she was released early this morning.

So basically having her own cell and being able to come and go pretty much as she pleased was somehow too stressful for Paris to handle. Not to mention, isn't that the whole reason for sending someone to jail? I wasn't aware jail was supposed to be some sort of Chuck E. Cheese's for misbehaving adults. I thought that I'd reached the point where nothing she could do would surprise me, but then she goes and pulls this crap. A nervous breakdown. Pfff. You know what I had to do to get out of prison? Lift weights until I was big enough to not get raped. And then I punched through the walls and fell into some sort of "science machine" that turned me into a sandman. Or The Sandman. That's right Spiderman. I'm out! And I'm coming for you! Wait....what's this? Water?!?!?! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!*

*Yeah, look. I have no idea either. Maybe Sandman's a pirate? That makes about as much sense as everything else I've written, including the actual news type stuff. Up, up and awaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Girls = teh Silly

2007-06-06T14:48:00.001-05:00

Always at the top of the list of quality news reporting, The Sun has run a brief article about some jerk who lost his virginity on TV and now hundreds of women want him. Bearing in mind that this is The Sun and I could probably get more reliable reporting from a drunken baboon or a hobo, I am still intrigued. Is this all it takes? I just need to put my nerdy, virginal self on TV? Uh....I mean my "friend" just needs to do this? Cuz I totally don't. I've lost count. One thousand, three thousand....a million? After awhile it's hard to keep track.

Dance Dance Immolation...?

2007-06-06T10:10:00.000-05:00

Some crazy bastards in Oakland decided it would be fun one night to produce the love child of Dance Dance Revolution, DDR to the insufferably hip (5th graders) and, well, getting shot in the face with fire. So basically, if you mess up, you get shot in the face with fire. I see a couple problems here. Firstly, the guys who appear to be in charge (below). I wouldn't trust them to make me a Whopper let alone shoot fire at me while I'm dancing (yeah, I can't believe I just wrote that either). Unless I was expecting to be burned to death. In which case, yeah, go ahead and throw your "safety gear" on me and torch me while I dance. Secondly, YOU'RE BEING SHOT IN THE FACE WITH FIRE!!!!! Look, I know science is a neat tool that's given us some fantastic stuff (television, internets, Dolph Lundgren), but it seems like an unwieldy tool of death in the hands of these miscreants. These guys basically took two things they like and decided to combine them. I like masturbating and grilling, but I recognize that the two need to remain separate. You'd be better off just dousing yourself in gasoline and playing with matches. How do you think I learned all these jawsome dance moves? Lessons? Please! It's also why I always dance alone. Just too hot to handle baby!

At the Gay Ghostbusters auditions.

Paris Hilton in Jail

2007-06-05T11:52:00.000-05:00

In case you care (you don't) People reports that Paris is "coping as well as possible with an 'unjust, unfair' sentence alone in a tiny cell 23 hours a day, her lawyer said Monday after visiting the heiress."

Coping as well as possible? Her setup is pretty sweet: Hilton will spend approximately 23 hours a day in a 12-by-8-foot cell containing two bunks, a table, a sink, a toilet and a small window, with one hour for recreation. She will eat her meals in the cell. She could also leave her cell to meet with her attorney or to attend classes.

How the hell hard can that be to cope with? She's isolated from the real prisoners and can leave her cell whenever she wants. This is like being grounded by an overindulgent step-parent who just wants you to like him. And this is "unjust and unfair?" Actually, I guess I can see that. Fair would be more along the lines of me punching her once in the head, thus ending the plague that is Paris Hilton forever. Inhumane? Sure. But there's not much that is humane about these guns.

*Note: I realize she went to jail Sunday evening and that this is a little late, but if you'll recall, I spent most of yesterday lamenting the loss of my tailgate and remembering our good times together. R.I.P Gatey, good buddy. Cue the bagpipes.

Tim and Eric Awesome Show is the Best Thing Ever

2007-06-04T23:58:00.000-05:00

I defy you to find something funnier than this. I've seen the funniest thing ever and only chuckled, but now I need to change my underwear. Cuz I just peed my pants from this.

Open Letter to the Guy Who Stole My Tailgate

2007-06-04T19:18:00.000-05:00

So, what'd you think I didn't want it? That maybe I had gotten my jollies out of having a complete truck and was ready to move on without the annoyance of a tailgate? Seriously, what the hell where you thinking? Huh, ya asshole? You know why I had one in the first place? Because I wanted it. That's why I paid for it. That thought ever cross your mind you fuckin shit weasle?

What, did your father leave when you were young? Am I expected to believe that you don't know any better because there was no father figure in your life? Well, guess what? If I had been your father, I'd have left, too. That or drown you in the toilet before you ever got old enough to steal my tailgate. So where the hell was your head in all this?

And what the hell do you need it for anyways? What good is a tailgate? Is it the final piece you need for a vehicle of your own? If so, I hope someone steals your whole truck. Or maybe you're gonna sell it. For what? Crack? Coke? Why can't you just beg for money like the friendly cokeheads down the street? They need their fixes just as badly as you and they've never stolen anything from me.

And you know, the time you put into taking it off, you coulda earned almost as much money legitamately. You know what that word means, you uneducated, fatherless kleptomaniac? It means you wouldn't have to steal things from me that I want. Like my tailgate.

So tell me, what the hell where you thinking? How would you like it if someone came and stole something from you? I'll bet you'd want it back. I do.

Walks off to sad Charlie Brown music.

Sarah Silverman FTW

2007-06-04T09:38:00.000-05:00

Here's a clip of Sarah Silverman hosting the MTV awards. Now I don't wanna throw out my vote for Person of the Year too early, but she's definitely Person of the Year. It's taking every ounce of self-control for Paris to not cry. And I especially like Jack Nicholson's looks at the end after Sarah makes her "Paris breaking her teeth on on jail bars painted like a penis." He's totally sipping that water thinking "I'll give her something to break her teeth on." And then he looks down and remembers hes about 107 years old. Awwwwww! :o(

British People are Insane, Disgusting

2007-06-02T10:31:00.001-05:00

I'm not really sure what's going on here except this bat shit crazy son of a bitch ate a dead dog. The dog had died of natural causes which makes this pretty much akin to scavenging. Basically he ate a corgi because they are the Queen's favorite dogs in order to protest the mistreatment of a fox killed by Prince Phillip. Which makes about as much sense as him challenging me to arm wrestling in protest of me winning the The Ripplingest Biceps in the World Contest. That's right. Ripplingest. Call me ladies!

Monster Pig Not a Wild Hog ( but Rosie Still Is)

2007-06-02T10:24:00.001-05:00

Turns out that the dinosaur pig that kid shot wasn't really a wild hog. It was raised on a farm by some guy that bought it in 2004 when it was six weeks old and then sold it. Which means, wild or not, that beast was less than three years old. What the hell was that thing eating? Better keep it away from me. I'm already huge. Too huge.

Why a Woman Will Never be President

2007-06-01T11:28:00.000-05:00

Can you use it in a sentence, please?

While she may be running for President of the United States, I know one thing Hillary will never do, and that's win a spelling bee. I don't know how this got past everyone on her campaign team, but she definitely needs to hire a new manager. Like a second grader. Or the guy that lives in the dumpster behind my building. Or basically anyone besides who's in charge now. This is why I prefer to use online lingo as much as possible. omfg! rents aggro!! kk g2g lolrofllmao! ttyl ty bai!

Nicole Richie is Offensive

2007-05-31T17:38:00.001-05:00

Holy raging boner, Batman!

If you celebrated Memorial Day by drinking until the only thing you could think about was eating more, then you're just like me (minus the perfect ass and irresistably charming personality). If you spent it sending out offensive invitiations to parties where you get your friends to mix antibiotics and booze, then you're just like Nicole Richie. Invites to her classy affair were in the form of an email poem:

"Let's glorify this day in your sluttiest tops and your tightest pair of Tsubi jeans, even though we have no clue what Memorial Day really means!! There will be a scale at the front door. No girls over 100 pounds allowed in. Start starving yourself now. See you all then!!!"

When questioned about it, the pleasantly plump Richie responded: "I mean, it rhymes. Are you really going to take an e-mail that rhymes that seriously? And it's a private e-mail to my friends. I was joking and I don't think there's anything wrong with it."

I'm shocked! Shocked! She wrote this? I can see her saying this, but writing is a whole nother issue. After all, the implication there is that she can also read. Until now I just assumed she spent her time being fat and a whore. I'm glad she somehow fit in the time to learn to write. And rhyme! Don't worry Nicole, genius is never appreciated in it's time. Just ask Leonardo. Or me. They all laughed at me in the cafeteria when I made my Meatloaf Man and called it a disgusting abomination against both food and man. But we'll see who has the last laugh. The army is almost complete! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rosie is Hawt!

2007-05-31T17:26:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I can't tell the difference, either.*

If you care to, you can venture on over to Rosie's website (or the "r blog") and check out her videos and read her poetry about life after The View (I think?). And let's be serious here. If you read her poems (I use "poems" in the absolute loosest sense of the term) you'd think she was coping with the her dog dying or her kid being murdered. Or life after aliens have enslaved the planet. To be fair, I've never watched the show (so maybe it is that much of a life-changing event), but I also have this little thing I like to use called a brain. Which I've used for the last five minutes to try and find five differences between the two seemingly identical images above. Good Luck!

*Dear manatees: Sorry.

Tracy Morgan is Brilliant

2007-05-31T15:24:00.000-05:00

Tracy Morgan appeared on a live news cast a couple months ago in El Paso, Texas to promote his comedy tour and was nothing short of brilliant. There are reports circling around that he has been getting into "alcohol-related troubles," but as this video shows, that is clearly not the case. And I would know, I'm a certified lawyer. What's that Your Honor? The term is alcoholic, you say? I rest my case.

Japan is Turning into an Anime Cartoon

2007-05-30T16:59:00.000-05:00

I suppose it was only a matter of time, but I think the tendency in Japan is really to turn daily life into as much of an anime cartoon as possible. I really can't think of any other reason for this. Pretty soon we will read that the new hip thing to have in Japan is the Tentacle Monster RapeMax 5000. And what are those, feathers? Feather eyelashes? I don't believe anyone could find that sexy. But then I have a rule about dating cartoons: DON'T! Nothing ruins a relationship like finding out the pretty blond you've been sleeping with is a cleverly disguised rabbit.

Do You Have Sex While Sleeping?

2007-05-30T12:28:00.000-05:00

Yes. And while eating, working out, driving...pretty much all the time. When you're as sexy as I am, simply being in public is like inciting an orgy. For everyone else. I can't help it that my unbelievable prowess knows not the bounds of physical contact. One time I simultaneously pleased two women who were six blocks apart while I was at a bar having a beer. Too sexy? Well, yeah. But it's my little cross to bear.

Source

Japanese Woman Hottest of the Hot

2007-05-29T16:46:00.001-05:00

Me Makey Boom-Boom long time!*

Congratulations to Riyo Mori a.k.a. Miss Japan, who was crowned Miss Universe last night. And don't get me wrong, Ms. Mori is attractive enough, but I had my money on Miss Korea, largely due to the fact that her name is Honey Lee. Anyone with that much of a porno name deserves the mantle of Miss Universe. Such were my thoughts until I saw her "National Costume" picture, which led me to believe that Koreans are clowns. Really tall clowns. She looks like she's on stilts. And what the hell did she stuff down the back of her "outfit" (term used loosely)??? I'm no expert on judging beauty contests - wait...yes I am. So I know that it shouldn't look like someone put the ass end of a 1977 VW Beetle in there. Honestly, this is how I'd expect to look if I drank to much and passed out in front of my friends. On the positive sign, with her name and her outfit, I have a pretty good idea where we will next see Honey Lee. I will admit that she makes clowns less scary...and also more sexy!

*I realize that this may seem done in poor taste, but I can assure you it's not because I am the epitome of class. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to find my monocle before the Monopoly Man gets here. We are going to hit up some classy, gentleman's bars and pick us up some strippers. Class-eee!

New Command and Conquer Game to be Hottest Game Ever

2007-05-28T15:56:00.000-05:00

Why don't you call me anymore, Billy?

Just in case it wasn't enough for you nerds out there that the new installment of C&C (that's nerd talk for Command & Conquer - I learned on one the many pity trips I take to spend time with people less ~~awesome~~ fortunate than I) upcoming for release, the cast is by far the hottest/coolest cast ever. Starring Tricia Helfer, Grace Park, Michael Ironside, Billy Dee Williams and that hippie from Lost, the game is sure to be a smash hit with male and female nerds everywhere. As for me, I'm not all that excited. Tricia is quite the biscuit, I admit, but we broke up two months ago Trish. Stop calling. I've moved up to the clouds where I truly belong.

I <3 B.D.W 4 EVR!!!

Lohan Crashes Car, Does Coke, No One Surprised

2007-05-27T13:40:00.000-05:00

I don't know if this qualifies as news or not, but Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunk driving and possession of cocaine. And now that I think about it, it's not. This is the equivalent of a news story announcing that Snoop Dog was found with marijuana or Mr. T likes milk and pittying fools. Or me being announced the Dreamiest Man in the History of the Universe. My gaze is illegal in thirty-two states and six countries. I'm that dreamy.

Holy Mother of God

2007-05-27T13:28:00.001-05:00

The role of "Big Boar" will be played by Rosie O'Donnel.

This was brought to my attention yesterday while watching the news. I know I've made my opinion of rednecks known, but this is by far the most grindcore thing I have ever heard. Apparantly an eleven year old kid shot a 1,151 pound wild boar with a .50 revolver and chased it for three hours before finally delivering the killing shot at point blank range. I didn't know pigs got that big (hell, I didn't know anything that walked on land was still that big, I thought dinosaurs were extinct), but if I were out hunting them, I'd take more than a god damn pistol. I'd take these two guns I pack with me everywhere I go. And all my shots are at point blank range because these guns fire the most deadly bullets of all: my fists.

Lindsay Lohan has a new album

2007-05-26T01:28:00.000-05:00

Much to the delight of 9-15 year old girls everywhere, Lindsay Lohan has announced that she has a new album coming out. Now why in God's name anyone would think that letting Lindsay Lohan make one album, let alone multiple albums, is beyond me. Near as I can tell, she's good at two things: being psycho and being drunk. And maybe, as a distant third, making Disney movies? I don't know. I can't believe she's a real person. It'd be easier for me to accept that Ronald McDonald came to life from an oversize cardboard cutout, put on a blond wig and developed a penchant for being drunk and skanky. Which I happen to know first hand, he did. That wasn't the" Happy Meal" I had in mind Ronald. And I'd appreciate it if, in the future, you'd keep your clown hands off of my "french fry."

Barbie...Boy?

2007-05-24T10:51:00.002-05:00

I didn't realize this until just now when I watched the clip, but apparantly there's a British version of American Idol (British Idol? X-Factor?) which is about the last thing I would think was actually necessary. Now I'm not saying that American Idol is a waste in producing even more desire for underquality pop garbage (it is), but after watching this clip, I'm positive that I hate British people. I have no idea if this kid's on there as a joke or if he really is mildly retarded, but I think it speaks volumes that Sharon Osbourne is the classiest judge when it comes to handling him. Or maybe it doesn't. I once spent a romantic evening with Simon Crowell during which we dined at a 5-star French restaurant, danced under the stars in The Parc Floral de Vincennes and made love under the Eiffel Tower after which he very rudely criticized my performance and then never...called....me....I hate you Simon, you bastard! *runs away sobbing*

House of Flying Cats

2007-05-24T08:48:00.000-05:00

If you needed any further proof that China is the second whackiest place on earth (Japan crushes the competition there based solely on their TV shows), here you go. Some Chinese woman has a cat that has grown wings. She says:

"A month ago, many female cats in heat came to harass him, and then the wings started to grow."

But then Science came along and opined that "the phenomenon is more likely down to a gene mutation, and say it shouldn't prevent the cat living a normal life."

Now I don't know what these so-called experts define as a normal life (I normally get home from work, have a beer and sexually satisfy the lucky dozen supermodels that won that evening's lottery) but I'm pretty sure randomly sprouting wings isn't normal. On the other hand, I do tend to agree with Science's explanation of the phenomenon. After all, when you look this good sexual harassment pretty much becomes part of your daily routine and I don't have wings. Just rippling biceps and abs that can crack geodes. Call me ladies!

New Golden Compass Preview Makes Me Crap My Pants in Excitement

2007-05-23T15:42:00.000-05:00

I don't know whether or not it is socially acceptable to get a raging boner from a movie preview, but when you're body is this manly, you pretty much have to let it do what it wants. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go wash my underwear.

Uh....

2007-05-23T10:10:00.001-05:00

I'm not really sure whose ridiculously terrible idea this is, but it's either the funniest thing ever or the most awful. I can't decide. Or sexiest, judging from the fact that my arousal has just burst through my zipper. Anyway, I'll leave it to you to figure out for me. As for me, I have to leave the building. I keep setting off the fire alarms with my smokin' hotness.

Holy Crap!

2007-05-22T14:13:00.000-05:00

The New York Times has a slide show of “The Deep: The Extraordinary Creatures of the Abyss” by Claire Nouvian (I don't know who she is either) that are basically the scariest damn thing I've ever seen. It's like God went straight into my worst nightmares to make these things. She could have saved herself a lot of time and effort (and me a lot of waking up in a cold, terror-soaked sweat and convinced I'm in the teeth-riddled jaws of some sea dragon) by just asking me to take off my shirt and photographing my statuesque abs. That's right ladies, you can do your laundry on this washboard.

Thanks to the good folks over at icanhascheezburger for reminding me that animals don't have to be scary.

So...Anyways

2007-05-21T15:37:00.000-05:00

Since it's been so long since I've posted anything, I'm giving you the means by which to create your own Han Solo frozen in carbonite...er...chocolate. Thank the good folks over at Instructables for the fact that you can now recreate a tasty Star Wars scene without actually having to stalk and abduct Harrison Ford. If there's on thing I've learned over the years, it's that judges take a pretty grim view on the whole "kidnapping for culinary recreation" excuse. That and I can bench press a whale. And not just any little whale, but a blue whale. You know, the biggest ones.

The Bible Says

2007-05-02T10:08:00.000-05:00

Tasteless jerk or musical brilliance from the mouth of God? Only time will tell.

Indians like Frogger

2007-04-24T09:35:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts, but it took me about this long to figure out that I needed to upgrade my Firefox to get this site to work. Which makes me angry because I missed out on the whole Imus fiasco and I'm sure I had some great things to say about that. At any rate, here's a neat little video of some crazy Indian bastards crossing the street in Hyderabad, India. I've always wondered what my life would be like as that frog who's always hopping around crossing rivers and streets and such and now I know. I'd spend it screaming with a constant pile of crap in my pants.

Doggie Yoga

2007-04-04T09:55:00.000-05:00

I've seen and done alot of stupid shit in my day. ALOT. But I'm pretty sure this takes the cake. What kind of person hears about a yoga class for dogs and thinks "Boy, I'll bet [insert dog name here] would really like doing yoga"? Well, these kind of people I guess. Which shouldn't really surprise. I mean, who names a dog Beans????

Part of the class includes gentle stretching and dog massage, another specialty of Bryan's, but most of the time the humans gently use the dogs like yoga props.

In downward facing dog, for example, the humans rest their heads on their companions, who are relaxing - napping? - on the mat.

So basically, these assholes take their dogs to THEIR yoga classes, pet them until they fall asleep and use them as yoga pillows. This is just bizarre. Even moreso than Mr. T announcing on national TV that he no longer likes gold chains and pittying fools.

Note: This is a Vizsla. If you read the article and thought, as I did, that it was either a made up breed or a type of dog in dire need of relaxing, you couldn't have been more wrong on either count.

Cats

2007-03-26T15:24:00.000-05:00

A friend sent me this and it's definately the best thing of the week. And it's only Monday. Sometimes I wonder how people can go to college for "Art" but then I see things like this and realize that when properly used, Art is in fact a fantastic means of presenting funny pictures of things like cats. I think this is almost the epitome of art. Almost. The absolute epitome? Me! Which is why the federal government made my apartment a national museum: too many women were walking into the Smithsonian and orgasming just from being in the same building as me. I'm that sexy.

Note: No, really. It's true.

Hayseed Dixie

2007-03-26T13:06:00.000-05:00

Before I just liked them because they cover good songs bluegrass style. But now I like them even more because they are doing their part to promote alcohol education and awareness, which I assume refers to calculating how much alcohol you need to get home and being aware enough to save that volume.

AVGN

2007-03-26T10:34:00.000-05:00

This here is my new favorite person on the planet (next to me, of course). I don't think I need to explain the reasons (just watch the "Videos" section), but in a nutshell, he simply reviews old video games. Sound boring? So does the term "penis." Which is why I call mine "Orgasmatron." Cuz see, now it sounds like one sexy robot. Girls like that right? Sexy robot-like penises (penii?)? Actually, who cares? Girls will like what I tell them to.

Carbon Footprint

2007-03-09T11:49:00.000-05:00

I've been hearing quite a bit of talk from celebrities and politicians about "reducing my carbon footprint." Being the ignorant fuck I am, I of course had no idea what a "carbon footprint" was. So I went here and did some research.* Here is what they have to say:

Carbon Footprint is a measure of the impact human activities have on the environment in terms of the amount of green house gases produced, measured in units of carbon dioxide.

So, ignoring for the moment that the chief by-product of respiration is carbon dioxide, I decided to look around a little more on their website. Clicking on the climate changes tab takes you to a page that at least looks like they've tried. Here I learn that the earth's temperature is increasing every year. Well, I live in Cleveland and that's news to me. We had days where the high (accounting for windchill) was in the range of 1 to -13 degrees Fahrenheit. Forgive me if I don't hold my breath over concern for the effect my carbon dioxide emissions are having on global warming.

And the evidence for global warming is ridiculous (I'm picking two, but feel free to peruse the rest):

Ocean temperatures increased 0.5 degrees over the last forty years.
That's 0.0125 degrees per year - which I do not believe we have the technical capability to detect within a reasonable level of error. Most temperature measuring equipment has an error in the range of 0.1-0.3 degrees, which makes that 0.5 degree change seem even more superficial.

Glaciers are retreating.
Firstly, from what? Are they in a battle of some sort? Secondly, good. Remember what happened last time the glaciers weren't "retreating?" A little thing called the Ice Age???

Further, if these idiots care to look, they'd find that throughout the existence of the earth there have been continual fluctuations, both increasing and decreasing, in temperature. There are maps from times well before Columbus discovered the New World that intricately detail the Arctic Circle ( oceanic depths, coastlines, etc.) in Northern Canada, despite much of it being frozen for most of the time period since Europeans invaded the New World, indicating that at some point earlier it was not frozen (i.e. at an earlier time when the earth's temperature was on the rise before it fell again).

Look, if you care to, you can calculate your carbon footprint (incidentally, since all life is carbon-based, I'm not sure what other sort of "footprint" we could leave), learn how to offset it, plant trees in Africa to save the world or some such bullshit. Whatever. Not that I needed it, but this website has further convinced me that celebrities and politicians live in some sort of fairyland where it's actually preferable to be an uninformed, preachy hypocrite than to be a reasonable human being. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home and turn on all the lights, then drive my truck through the woods setting them on fire. And then I'm gonna beat up an ice cap.

*In this case research is used very loosely as nothing of value was gained through my investigation.**

**I do not hold being able to talk to insane, left-wing half-wits about their panic problems as a thing of value.

Things a Perfect Guy Would Do...

2007-03-09T11:36:00.000-05:00

A buddy of mine posted this on another blog. On the one hand it's funny because it's true. And on the other it's sad because it's true.

Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.

Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought "hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds." I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.

I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each "thing" that a "perfect guy would do:"

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel "down?" The door swings both ways, bitch.

2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?

3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.

4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch "the game." Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch "the game," I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.

5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out "I HAVE HERPES." The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over "...there is no cure," cue inspirational music "but treatment is available." Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.

6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?

7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say "AWW HOW ROMANTIC." I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.

8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.

9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.

10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.

11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to "react cutely" instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react "cutely" when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.

12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.

13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.

14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of "Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends."

I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.

Source

Rosie O'Donnell's an asshole

2007-03-09T11:23:00.000-05:00

Not that you should, but if you need proof, you can just check out her website. Which is really somehow more of a waste of fucking time than she is. I can't decide which I hate more: the little counter for the cost of the war effort in Iraq or her shitty poetry that I think is supposed to be haiku, but I can't tell. I mean, I'm not Japanese or anything, but I really thought haiku involved a 5-7-5 meter. And, wait, are those numbers she's using to abbreviate words? What is she, a twelve year old talking to her friends on AIM? Jesus Christ in a coffin. Seriously, if you're going to take the time to have a website, why can you not take the time to spell out the words you put on it? Does it really take that much time away from eating and protraying yourself as a clueless bitch? I guess it must. So, if you hate yourself, spend some time on her website. You can even see pictures of her getting ready for that show she does (I've never watched it, but I assume it's something along the lines of that Discovery channel show where the walruses mate) and the next kid she's gonna eat (Stir Fried!).

*Warning: I am not responsible for any bullets you put in your brain after visiting Rosie's site.

Jenna Jameson is Ugly

2007-02-27T21:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know whether she's still making porn or not, but I can't imagine that she is looking like this (one of the pictures is included below; you can find more through the link, but why would you hate yourself that much?) which is the exact opposite of sexy. I'm pretty sure if I tried to masturbate to her now, my penis would punch me in the face and I'd wake up to find divorce papers on the table and all his belongings gone. I mean, she looks like she was just unearthed from an archaelogical dig in Egypt. I'm curious as to which Pharaoh's tomb the sarcophagus was found and which ancient dark Egyptian spells have animated her mummified husk. And what in God's name is going on with her boobs (term used loosely here)? I know gravity can be a bitch and all, but Jesus Christ. What's the point of spending money on implants that look more like water balloons filled with ball bearings? And I don't want to throw the term "retard" around based solely on looks, but what is she dating? A retard? Isn't that illegal? In fact, I'm guessing everything about her now is illegal. And undead. I'm pretty sure if I see her, I'm going to shoot her in the head. Cuz if I've learned anything from playing Resident Evil 4, it's that a couple rounds to the head thoroughly eliminates any zombie threat. And when the judge asks why I murdered a prominant porn star, I'll simply show him these pictures and he will dismiss the case and give me a medal of honor for saving the country from Egyptian zombies.

*Note: I realize that she is dating Tito Ortiz and the retard could probably destroy my head with one punch seeing as how he's a UFC champion and all, but that doesn't make him unretarded. Yeah, unretarded. Is it a word? Who knows? When you make women orgasm just by walking into a room you can pretty much make up whatever words you want.

Samwell Likes it in the Butt

2007-02-16T13:37:00.000-05:00

This seems like somewhat of a ripoff of Eddie Murphey's gem from the 80s (lyrics below) but at laest he's not embracing every single stereotype about gay men out there.

Boogie in Your Butt
Eddie Murphy

In your butt
Put the boogie in your butt
Put, put the boogie in your butt
In your butt
Put the boogie in your butt
Put, put the boogie in your butt

I ain't puttin no boogie in nobody's butt
That's nasty, man
What you talkin about
Puttin boogie in people's butt
Are you out yo mind or something?
Could go to jail for doin something like that

Well step aside my friend
I been doing it for years
I say, sit on down, open your eyes
And open up your ears
Say, put a tree in your butt
Put a, a bumblebee in your butt
Put a clock in your butt
Put a big rock in your butt
Say, put some fleas in your butt
Say, start to sneeze in your butt
Say, put a tin can in your butt
Put a little tiny man in your butt
Say, put a light in your butt
Say, make it bright in your butt
Say, put a TV in your butt
Say, put me in your butt
Everybody say

[CHORUS]

I, hey, that's, man, I ain't putting no trees in nobody's butt,
no bees in nobody's butt, putting nothing--
You must be out your mind, man,
y'all get paid for doing this?
Cause y'all gotta get some kind of money
Cause this don't sound like the kind of--
I'd rather golf, to be perfectly honest,
than put somethin in somebody's butt
to be truthful

Well step aside my friend and let me
show you how you do it
When big bad E just rock rock to it
Put a case in your butt
Say, put a metal case in your butt
Say, put her face in your butt
Say, put a frown in your butt
Say, put a clown in your butt
Say, sit on down in your butt
Say, put a boat in your butt
Say, put a moat in your butt
Put a mink coat in your butt
Put everything in your butt
Just start to sing about your butt
Feels real good
When you sing about your butt, sing

[CHORUS]

[CHORUS]

Now wait a second, now,
Do y'all get paid for this, for doing this?<

PETA Makes Porn

2007-02-16T12:13:00.000-05:00

Usually PETA spends its time moping around and giving everyone with an IQ above 80 the idea that its organized and controlled by drunk monkeys. I'm happy to inform you that this is not one of those times. I don't subscribe to Maxim or Playboy or any of the other classy magazines for which Joanna Krupa has posed, a fact that I now regret, so this is the first I've heard of her. She makes it pretty easy to take PETA's side on any issue, really. Think about it: if this came up to you and told you to not wear fur, you'd do it. Whatever you want Joanna. Don't wear fur? No problem. Stand up for animals' rights? Deal. Give myself over for a night of massively and repeatedly pleasing you sexually? Well, my dear. You're gonna have to get in line with the rest of the super models.

Tim Hardaway Hates John Amaechi (Gays)

2007-02-15T15:14:00.000-05:00

"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known," Hardaway said Wednesday, according to a transcript on the Miami Herald Web site. "I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

You can read all about it here, if you're into that sort of thing. And I know you are you pervert.

Meanwhile, John Amaechi, the recently declosetted (what?) homosexual and former NBA player feels that straight players should support other closetted (I'm rolling with it now) players:

"We are much further behind than I'd like,'' Amaechi said, according to the Herald. "People in America and England would like to think racism is over, sexism is over, and homophobia is over, but it's not. My coming out will show that gay people don't all look like Jack from Will and Grace. Some of us are big, athletic men, and that should be OK."

Wait, Jack from Will and Grace was gay? I have much to learn. Anyways, Amaechi went on to express his disappointment in the lack of progress made towards accepting gays in professional sports:

"It's hard to get straight guys to step up," he said. "When men stood by women during the suffrage movement, they were called progressive and bold. When whites stood by blacks, they were heroes. But a straight guy standing up for a gay guy faces discrimination, and that's a big part of the battle we're fighting."

Who the hell is John Amaechi, anyways? And who writes his material, Carlos Mencia (Get it? Cuz they're equally funny)? To me, this would be news if it were Michael Jordan or Larry Bird. And think of the McDonald's commercials: "Off the bedroom door, along the railing, over the ottoman, nothin but ass." Wait, why the hell were you thinking about that? You're sick.

Rednecks on Parade

2007-02-02T13:54:00.000-05:00

I've never been a big fan of redneck mentality (or perhaps, more appropriately, I should say lack thereof), so it's no huge surprise that I am less than excited about Larry the Cable Guy's (LCG) new movie, Delta Farce. And now that I've seen the preview I'm even less than less excited. After watching it I just assumed it was a documentary about the everday lives of Texans. You know, hating Mexicans, getting drunk and shooting things. Then someone told me it was supposed to be a comedy about three soldiers who end up in Mexico instead of Iraq and they end up fighting Mexicans because they think they are Iraqis. And why the hell not? All them foreigners all look the same anyways. Iraqi, Mexican, French, Chinese...who can tell 'em apart? As an added bonus you get to hear LCG use his never-been-funny-and-still-isn't-funny catch phrase which, I believe, is spelled "Git-R-Done," although I'm not sure because I don't speak Fatdrunkandstupid that well. I also don't understand why only "Done" is spelled correctly. It seems like it would be the hardest word to spell, what with four letters and a silent "E" and even an "O" that sounds like a "U." At any rate, if you want to sacrafice about seven IQ points and two minutes of your life that you will never get back, you can watch the preview below. But why would you want to do that to yourself? You won't even laugh. Unless you're a redneck, in which case shooting Mexicans and mispelling already stupid phrases is probably right up your alley. Next best thing to NASCAR and PBR. Yee-HA!

Boston is Full of Idiots

2007-02-01T14:02:00.000-05:00

There is a ridiculous ordeal being made about the boys who placed Mooninite light boards around Boston to advertise the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. Basically, it's a battery powered Lite Brite representation of one of the Mooninites (you can make your own here). The resulting uproar of idiocy is simply astounding. If you are seriously afraid a Lite Brite is a terrorist tactic, you're a moron. It's not like they found Semtex on the bridge. It was a moon man giving you the finger. I'd like to think that I'd have some sort of witty or cynical remark for these people, but I just don't. It's a god damn Lite Brite. I will say that anyone who thinks these guys are terrorists or is in support of them being tried for terrorist acts is about as stupid a human being as I can imagine. Everyone in Boston should be embarassed, not only for yourself, but for your city. You are fools. On the flip side, the two "suspects" (and I use that term loosely) treat this issue with the exact amount of seriousness it requires (do yourself a favor and watch the video - it's brilliant). Hint: The answer is none.

Boston City Fact: You must have an unregistering IQ to obtain a job working in either the political or legal system of the city.

Bonus Boston City Stupidity Fact: The signs were placed in ten (10) other cities and, while officials were aware of them, at no point was any contacted by citizens of other cities who felt threatened. Only Boston citizens. And also the moronic Boston "Authorities" (also used loosely).

MLK party

2007-01-25T10:20:00.000-05:00

Authorities at Tarleton State University said they plan to investigate a Martin Luther King Jr. Day party that mocked black stereotypes by featuring fried chicken, malt liquor and faux gang apparel.

Photographs posted on social networking Web site Facebook.com showed partygoers wearing Afro wigs and fake gold and silver teeth. One photo showed students "mocking how African-Americans do step shows," Elder said. In another picture, a student is dressed as Aunt Jemima and carries a gun.

You can read the whole story here, but I've basically summed up the important parts. One of the major reasons that there will never be any unity on an issue like this is that people like Dr. King worked and died so that these sorts of things could happen. Think about it. Dr. King wanted everyone to be treated equally in every situation, which, like it or not, includes mocking. I don't recall any sort of uprising when the Wayans released White Chicks (and that was infinitely more reprehensible than an MLK party), which I am guessing is because it was black people making fun of white people.

One of the major problems with people like Donald Ray Elder (read the article if you care who he is) is that they, either through choice or ignorance, don't fight for their group's equality, but rather superiority. I guarantee you no self-respecting white person would get offended when black people make fun of us dancing (or any of the other "white things" we do). Prominent comedians have made fun of their own race over the years (Chris Rock, Richard Prior, Eddie Murphy all come readily to mind and I'm sure that with a little thought we could come up with quite a few more) without ever being called down by people like Elder. But this is because it's okay to make fun of black people if you're black. But only if you're black. This "Do as we say, not as we do" mentality is the major cause of any dissent between the races.

People like Elder, rather than help solve the problem (which I'm not entirely convinced there is one), fuel it further because their job becomes obsolete if there is no dissent. So instead of simply saying that this was a bunch of college kids having a drunken, crazy time (incidentally, the article never mentions if there were blacks at the party or not), he has to say they were launching an attack on the legacy of Dr. King and on black people everywhere. I actually find Elder an utterly disgusting human being for this reason. He's using the malleability of young people's minds to protect his job.

To the point, this incident isn't ingorant, upsetting or insulting, nor does it require forums or counselling. It's funny. Aunt Jemima with a gun? How can you not laugh at that? The only thing missing was a performance by Ms. Peachez. Who possibly takes that seriously? And who would expect to be taken seriously when a major foundation of the arguement is that dressing up as Aunt Jemima with a gun is insulting to Dr. King's legacy? That's like taking someone seriously who says his penis is a transformer that's defeated Mothra in space battle. No normal human being would ever make that claim. But I'm not normal. And it wasn't Mothra, it was Mechagodzilla. Christ! How many times must my penis save the planet before you people appreciate him?

More Greatness

2007-01-18T15:20:00.000-05:00

And just in case you need further convincing that Carl is the greatest character ever (if you actually do, you have the mental capacities of a jellyfish and the sense of humor of a rock), I offer you this little tidbit of brilliance. I think I'm going to start going to the gym on a daily basis, but just to say this to everyone I see taking their workouts too seriously.

ATHF

2007-01-17T16:38:00.000-05:00

Here's a little clip to introduce you to what will certainly go down in history as the greatest character ever (Carl). You can waste your time looking for something funnier, but why bother when your failure will haunt you for the rest of your days? Plus all the cool kids like this show. Everyone's doing it it. C'MOOOOOOOOON!!!!!

Justin Timberlake is a genius

2007-01-16T20:40:00.000-05:00

Just to keep this day of mad posts going, I thought I'd throw this up. Sure Einstein came up with relativity and Edison invented the lightbulb, but I defy you to find one person in the history of mankind that has ever shown THIS level of brilliance. And it brings the true meaning back to Christmas.

The Dating Scene

2007-01-16T13:41:00.000-05:00

I've never put much (and by "much" I mean "any") stock into going out and meeting girls at a bar and taking one or more home with me (I'm not sure I'd know what to do with one girl let alone two or more. I'm pretty sure it would result in me hiding in the corner, curled in a ball, rocking back and forth and whimpering the lyrics to "Life is a Highway"). As such, this has led to an alarmingly increasing number of people who, until recently, I thought were my friends suggesting I give online dating or speed dating a try. These people make me sad.

Although their suggestion may seem a good one on the surface, I have several reservations as to the proposed benefits of the attempt. First, I can limit my failure statistics by simply going to a bar, trying to talk to a girl and getting rejected a couple times. Online dating requires me to mass pimp myself to an overwhelming number of women at once, which will likely result in my induction to the Rejection Hall of Fame, not mention the blow my ego would take at being simultaneously rejected by 24 women.

Secondly, it would require me to believe what women write about themselves. This is something I'm not capable of doing. For one, women always think they are more attractive than they are. While sites allow photos, I can't put much stock into it because most photos are headshots. My luck would result in me going to dinner with a woman whose profile describes her as average bodied but who doctored her picture to hide the fact that I'm going to have to pay for a whole herd of steer for her appetizer. More to the point, women often describe themselves as laidback, open-minded and honest (I'm sure I don't need to point out the glaring hypocrisy there), which sounds great in principle, but so does cold fusion which, at this point, seems more likely than my meeting an attractive woman with those traits.

Finally, I would be relying on a preprogrammed matching system designed by some clown who fancies himself the next Dr. Phil. And in my mind, anyone aspiring to such things should be dragged into the street and shot. One Dr. Phil is three too many in my book and the last thing I want to do is place my romantic future into the fat, bumbling hands of a balding man with a retarded southern drawl.

I think the better bet is to just get myself a mail order bride. It will save me the hassle of screening through women's profiles and trying to decipher the truth. Plus, that way if the website lies to me, I can mail her back for a refund or a bride of equal value.

Best Article Title Ever?

2007-01-16T11:39:00.000-05:00

I think so.

Girls in Pictures

2007-01-05T10:40:00.000-05:00

Before you get all excited, this isn't a post laden with pictures of girls in bikinis washing cars or skin tight armor fighting off orcs with their elvish good looks or whatever the hell gets you off. This is simply a short post to inform every female out there that she should at once cease and desist (yeah I know they mean the same thing - trying to get a point across) making pouty lips in pictures. You don't look cute or hot or enticing. You look fucking stupid. If you are over the age of four there is probably no need for a pouty face ever, let alone in pictures. It would serve as well to put a wig on a monkey. They make pouty faces, but it's usually when they are about to do something cool like throw poop or pee in their own mouths. Which is still more attractive than a female with pouty lip poses. I could dye my pubes red and dress my penis in a Ronald McDonald outfit and take pictures, but I don't because that would look stupid (though still better than a girl with pouty lips). Also, my penis would beat me up if I did.

News of the Day (Christian Tomfoolery!)

2006-12-19T15:03:00.000-05:00

Apparantly there is a huge uprising in the Episcopalian Church. You can read about it here. But to save you the time, I'll just tell you what it's about. Basically, specific churches are seceding over the church's decision to annoint an openly gay bishop (V. Gene Robinson of New Hampshire). Which makes absolutely no sense because by Episcopalian tradition, no bishop can operate outside the boundaries of his diocese. So churches even within New Hampshire but outside his diocese aren't affected, let alone in places like Virgina, California or Nigeria. I think the best guess here is that these jackoffs (as they will now be so lovingly referred to) are so preoccupied with forcing conservative dogma down the throats of those too simple to think on their own that they have thrown all pretense of reason into the wind - which shouldn't be and isn't a very big surprise when it comes to dealing with religion and zealots.

Essentially, what they are protesting is his being openly gay. Had he never come out, things would have been fine and no one would have moved for a rift in the church. In other words, it would have been more acceptable for him to continue living a lie (which he did do for some time to the point of marrying and having children before accepting his homosexuality). I'm not sure what message these jackoffs are trying to send through their secession, but the act is essentially saying that a collected group of devout Episcopals would rather their leader and Bishop lie to them.

Herein lies the problem with religious devouts: they are unable to think reasonably when confronted with an issue challenging to their faith. The immediate answer is "The Bible says it's wrong so it's wrong." The whole purpose of a Bishop is to oversee the work his subordinates do in spreading the Word of God. Does being gay in any way affect this? I fail to see how it would. Is it hypocritical to the context of the faith? Perhaps. But let us consider a two points:first, the fact that he was raised to his current status not only by the normal voting procedure, but by that procedure being carried out during the Episcopal General Convention of 2003. Which means had it been an issue that horrendously upsetting to the faith, there is no way he would have ever passed the ELECTION PROCESS. Let me say that again in case you missed it: he was elected. His office was gained within the proper tenants of Church Law in the presence of representatives from parishes all over the country. A democratic procedure isn't something that is used when convenient and the results make everyone happy. If there was only one point of view, there wouldn't be a need for democracy. Nonetheless, when the system fails your cause, you don't abandon it. To me, the Episopal Church should make no effort whatsoever to accomodate these hypocrytical, self-satisfying jackoffs. They are using it to achieve their own selfish ends when it's convenient to use. Their cause would be much more noble and tolerable to the sensible if they remained a part of the Church and used their faith to try to defend their point of view. What they are doing now is simply taking their faith and going home because they didn't get their way.

Secondly, am I expected to believe that God would speak to the masses through the mouth of someone so profainly vested in sin? Or is he not speaking through the Bishop at all? Is it more that He has turned his back to his followers? The implications on these lines seem to suggest that the faith should be abandoned completely. If you believe that God is active in your faith, how can you believe that He would allow something so dreadfully wrong to occur in the upper echelons of the faith? I am forced to conclude that a God worth worshipping would have enough wherewithall to not allow something profain to the faith to reach such a standing in the Church.

More to the point, as I said earlier, being gay does not affect his ability to perform his job. I have a rampant love affair going with my hand and it doesn't affect my ability to do my job. And I can assure you thoughts of my hand consume more time than his love of men. Because it's pretty much all the time. Which makes sense. When you have the penile equivalent of the Hope Diamond you pretty much have to fawn over it all the time. It's only a matter of time until it gets taken away and put in the Smithsonian. Cherish it people! Cherish it!

Live Blogging...The Aftermath

2006-12-02T13:04:00.000-05:00

I guess this isn't technically "Live Blogging" anymore since it's the day after the event, but seeing how traumatic the experience of last night was, I've decided to wait until today to provide a wrap-up.

I'm pretty sure that everything that is wrong with today's youth was summed up last night. And before you write me off as being a stick-in-the-mud, crotchety, uptight fuck, hear me out. We live in a society that glorifies moral (in this case, more specifically, sexual) recklessness and abandon. While last night was a brilliantly luminescent example of this, it sadly isn't limited to events of this sort.

Next time you're in a bar, pay attention to other people there. Especially on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday night. Most people will look around and notice nothing unusual, so conditioned to and a part of the environment that they feel perfectly comfortable. They are unable, or perhaps more approriately, unwilling, to see what's right in front of their faces. And therein lies the problem. We live in a generation that is so self-absorbed that it is unable to step back and see how pathetic and sad it really is.

There is no social taboo to what occurred last night (and what invariably occurs often at bars), namely selling one's dignity and self-respect for peer acceptance. Which is confusing considering the other taboos society, as a whole, embraces daily - gay marriage, smoking and prostitution all come readily to mind [and I can say these are taboo; gay marriage harms no one and encourages responsible behavior among a certain group of people, yet it is frowned upon; we apparantly are willing to sacrafice our natural rights to property and choice just to prevent people from smoking in public; we certainly have the necessary tools to make prostitution a safe practice (I encourage you all to watch HBO's Cathouse - it's a fun sexy time!) but the limiting factor falls to the idea of people trading in sex being abhorent to most people (it's only acceptable if you are wearing too much cologne and buy her a few drinks beforehand - alcohol IS a socially acceptable means of paying for sex)].

The current 20-30s generation has somehow become so convoluted with the idea of appearance that it has totally lost touch with the idea of self. It takes it's cues for what it percieves as self-respect from the opinions of others. It has no sense of right or propriety. If the 80s was the "Me" decade fueled by the desire to improve one's self through money (and also awesome music!), then surely this decade is the "Now" decade fueled by the desire for instant gratification with no forethought of future consequence. Give me what I want now and to hell with what happens because of it. This mentality, ultimately, has led to the continual and unending moral spiral in which the current 20s generation finds itself falling. Sadly, there is no desire to change it. It has what it wants when it wants it. Who needs responsibility when you have immediate gratification that can be justified through peer approval?

To bring this back to the event last night, I'm going to conclude by pointing out that this was an event sponsered by a Case organization. The school itself condoned the event. It's bad enough that these people can't handle freedom and responsibility when they are left to their own devices, but I think it's a truly powerful and terribley sad statement on society that it has fallen to the depths where an institution that should be dedicated to education and betterment can endorse such things. And I know it was a fundrasier for breast cancer research - which incidentally means it's also acceptable to prostitute one's self for science (hey ladies, I'm a scientist). It raised about $150, or roughly $1/person. It costs our lab about $125,000/year to maintain and run. That comes out to a little over $340/day, assuming there are no holidays or weekends in which we do nothing. I point this out because I don't buy the idea that this was a good-natured, selfless display of consideration. It was merely a socially acceptable excuse for debauchary and nothing more. And the fact that it was socially acceptable is nothing more or less than sad.

Live Blogging (part 4) or The Blair Whore Project

2006-12-01T23:44:00.000-05:00

I think this event is almost over. Which is good because my penis is in the corner weeping. I think it's afraid of the wildebeest that's on the stage dancing. She has legs like a bull african elephant. And not even a baby one. Full grown. It's gross. Like a Jell-O mold on marshmallow legs covered in skin-tight latex.

Oh wait...they are handing out awards. The last one was for "Dirtiest Girl." I think she won nipple cream or something. And Bridgette (I don't know who) just won "Naughtiest Girl" (I don't need to point out the ultimately low level of self-esteem required to be proud of such an award) and recieved her vibrator! I'm sure her parents are proud. Daddy's little girl is all grown up. And classy.

Looks like things are wrapping up. I need to go clean. And by clean I mean douse EVERYTHING with bleach. And maybe burn things. Like the clothes I'm wearing because I sure don't want them in my apartment now.

This officially ends my first attempt at live blogging. Let me know how I did. I'm off to try to talk my penis out of committing suicide. Wish me luck!

Live Blogging (part 3) The Rise of STD

2006-12-01T23:30:00.000-05:00

I'm deathly afraid a personified STD is walking around. I think it has spawned from what is occurring here tonight. Like this is some sort of perverse summoning ritual that has called forth a horrendous, thinking entity hell bent on turning everyone into Paris Hilton's vagina.

There's a guy walking around in (and I'm dead serious here) cut-off boxer briefs. I wouldn't have thought this was possible until I saw it. And now I can't unsee it. I can't help but place a large portion of the blame for the awful smell on him. Also, I'm assuming that he was a ritual leader in the summoning of the STD of death that is looking for its next victim.

There's also a guy clothed entirely in DSL (I think?) shipping boxes. Well, not entirely. While his head and face and torso and legs are covered, he's working his bluge for all it's worth. Which isn't much. Perhaps the price of my eyes. Because I want to gouge them out and burn them.

Pray for Mojo.

Live Blogging (part 2) or "The Death of Olfactory"

2006-12-01T23:13:00.000-05:00

It smells. Sweet Zombie Jesus, it smells. Don't you case kids bath? Or wear deaoderant? No? I can tell. I'm being slowly and horrendously suffocated by an overwhelming fog of body odor. My nose is sad. My stomach wants to release everything that has ever entered it. My only hope for survival lies in constantly farting to surround myself in an odiforously protective shell of my own scent. Come on intestines don't fail me now!

Also, the DJ is terrible. Straight up, ball bleaching awful. The feedback is making me want to stab my left eardrum with a rusty nail and I'm pretty sure he's never heard of the term "transition" in his life. Seriously, 30 second pauses have occurred between songs. I think he's tranny. The only basis I have for this is his suckiness at being a DJ and therefore making me hate him. And maybe his voice.

Live Bloggin (part 1)

2006-12-01T22:56:00.000-05:00

I know it's been a while for all the eager fans of my blog since my last post, but dealing with certain issues has prevented me from being funny for a while. To make up for it, I'm going to give a shot at my first ever "Live Blogging" from the "Naughty or Nice" dance-party thing that's going on here at The Spot. Although, by "Naughty or Nice" they apparantly mean slutty or sluttier (and maybe sluttiest?). I'm not entirely sure that this isn't the "American Idol" for "America's Next Top Stripper." Which would be pretty cool except for the fact that there are too many men acting like man strippers (which I have no desire to see) and roughly 90% of the "females" here should be returned to the Serengeti where their natural origins very clearly stem. Beastly! I'm cowering in the corner in fear of a stampede. Or a Jumanji.

Lindsay Lohan Defines Women

2006-11-01T15:28:00.000-05:00

In a recent interview with News of the World, Lohan discusses her addictions, love and sex in a pretty frank manner. She talks about battling anorexia and bulemia, dating Fez (the ugly foreign kid has also dated Mandy Moore - I don't know what's going on here, but I intend to find out - topic for another post though), love and sex and how they have turned into the high class, model citizen she is today. And when I read what she has to say, I just can't help but think she speaks for women everywhere:

She confesses: "Sex And The City changed everything for me because those girls would just sleep with so many people. And that's me. I'm not dating just one person."

"It is the variety of partners everyone likes, especially at my age. I'm like Angelina Jolie, taking on lovers. I don't need a steady relationship."

"I have only been in love once and that was with Wilmer (Fez!)."

"But the timing was bad. And there were all these girls around. He would flirt and I couldn't handle that. I couldn't trust him."

"My mum's going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people—but if I'm going to give my body to someone, I'd rather them not be with other people. It's very old-fashioned."

So in case you can't comprehend what's happening here, Lohan basically wants to have all kinds of partners while her parter has only her. I think she should be voted Woman of the Year. I can't imagine a better description of the fickle female mind. With the level she's taking things, I wouldn't be surprised if she were chosen as the mother for the return of Christ. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'm pretty sure something in my brain just snapped. Which is why I'm going to go buy a samurai sword and run around wielding it, or whatever you do with samurai swords. I don't know...be a ninja? Or samurai? Or pirate? Or a pimurinja? Whichever, I vow to not be defeated by a broom.

The Brett Mix

2006-10-25T13:57:00.000-05:00

For anyone who doesn't know Brett, this post probably will be meaningless. But to fill you in a little, he was a friend of mine who decided to have sex with some of his students (he was a high school chemistry teacher). He was also the one everybody thought was super smart and going places. I was the fuck up. Hurray me! And without further ado, I present to you the track listing of a mix tape I am thinking of sending Brett to listen to while he's in jail:

1.) She Was Just 17 (Beatles)
2.) Christine Sixteen (Kiss)
3.) Young Girl (Gary Puckett and the Union Gap)
4.) Cryin (Aerosmith)
5.) Hot for Teacher (Van Halen)
6.) Good Morning Little Schoolgirl (Steppenwolf)
7.) Seventeen (Ladytron)
8.) Don't Stand So Close to Me (Police)
9.) Hotblooded (Foreigner)
11.) Teacher I Need You (Elton John)
12.) Aqualung (Jethro Tull)

I hope he likes it! Let me know if there're any I forgot.

Cell Phonary

2006-10-13T13:35:00.000-05:00

This whole business with people having the hands free talking get-up for cell phones is just turning into nonsense. I see people sitting on a bench or walking around holding their phones in one hand and talking into a microphone attached to their ears. THEIR HANDS ARE EMPTY!!! If you're going to take the trouble to hold your phone in your hand at chest level, why not just go all out and hold it up to your ear? I've been pondering this quandry for a couple days and the best idea that I've developed involves these people sucking at doing two things at once. For example, they can't sit and talk into a phone at the same time or walk and talk at the same time. It's sad, really. But to help all you losers who need the little microphone attachment to talk when you're not driving, I've compiled a list of things I'm not too good at doing.

1.) Astrophysics
2.) Billiards
3.) Talking into a phone with the aid of a handless attachment
4.) Neurosurgery
5.) Not drinking
6.) Walking and drinking coffee
6.) Being anything less than extraordinarily awesome
10.) Counting

I know none of these things is as complicated as, say, holding a phone to your ear and speaking into it without the aid of a handless attachment, but some of us just aren't that trendily uncoordinated to pull off such stunts.

Silliness in the news

2006-10-11T08:30:00.000-05:00

I try to ignore the news, mostly, but sometimes it's just not possible. Take for example the recent news that Chris de Burgh has come out claiming he can perform miracles. I'm skeptical. Even if I were to witness Chris de Burgh healing a paralyzed man (and I mean live, not even on TV) I still wouldn't believe it. If he could really perform miracles, he'd be famous for a better song than "Lady in Red." It'd be like James Blunt not being a tone-deaf ugly troll man or Dave Matthews writing a song that wasn't intended for someone still living in high school. Sure it sounds good, but I'm just not willing to accept it can happen.

In other news, much to the chagrin of comic based movie nerds everywhere, Jessica Alba has come out to claim that she doesn't do nudity. Much to the delight of comic nerds everywhere, Adobe fortunately has software that allows you to cut Jessica's head off and paste it onto a naked body. Unfortunately they haven't released the upgrade that helps you move out of your parents' basement yet.

I know Canadians catch quite a bit of flack for being, well, Canadian. But if you ask me, I think they have things more figured out than we do down here in the states. The fishing's better, it's cleaner. Oh. And they hand out guides to lesbianism in school. I know that many won't take the time to read the article, but if I may offer this small tidbit, I think you will be inclined to read it all and find out for yourself just how classy this little affair in Toronto really is:
"...the guide makes the out-of-context statement that '[i]f you need someone to represent God The Holiness, then for me, it’s a fat black dyke.'"

I'm not even going to pretend to understand what exactly that statement means. Mostly because when I do think of God, I imagine more of a giant bearded man roaming around smiting cities and destroying races. Not a fat, black dyke. Because that would mean that Ms. Peachez might be God (assuming you changed 'dyke' to 'crossdresser'). And even though she smites the musical stylings of Dave Matthews with a unique and tasty style all her own, I'm pretty sure we are all boned if the gist of the Divine's existence is to "Fry that chicken." But at least we'll eat well.

I'm maybe racist

2006-09-28T16:35:00.000-05:00

Note the use of the modifying "maybe." Because it's really hard for me to admit that I'm racist when every stereotype I can imagine about black people is represented in a song and video performed entirely by black people. In fact, it's just about all the proof I need that those stereotypes are 100% true. Then again, maybe I'm not racist at all, because that does sound good and I think maybe I want some of Ms. Peachez('s?) chicken, too. It's southern fried. And everybody wants a piece. I'ma go get in line.

Super Bowl Shuffle

2006-09-27T08:59:00.000-05:00

In honor of football season being in full swing, it only seemed appropriate to give you all the chance to remember the greatest football team of all time: the 1985 Chicago Bears. Don't buy it? Just watch below. I'm not sure what style Mike Singletary is setting with those glasses but..no wait, yes I do. It's AWESOME! God I miss the 80s. I'm gonna go curl up with a bowl of Big Mix, watch Fraggle Rock and play with my Dino Riders.*

*Note: If you don't get these references you are either too young or too awful to appreciate the unstoppable coolness of the 80s.